Vicious cycle

back in this vicious cycle

again! 

I'm still internally struggling to face this problem. it had happened once, I got out of it only to have it go back to square one. at one point, I regretted my decision but it has been made clear that I have little interest in pursuing my previous research. at first, I taught it will be like a safe place for me to spend about two years doing that. Then, another option came out, I wanted to pursue it so badly only to have it destroyed again by this pandemic. Things are really tough rn. everyone is struggling one way or another. in fact, the whole world! 2020 has to be one of the most disappointing years. periodt. things have been blurry since february, starting from the MCO. sedar2 dah masuk november 

I'm trying my best to remain optimistic, but when you're constantly being rejected, it can be discouraging. to make it worse, I've been spending way too much time at home, having very little contact with friends. heck, sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to cause they might not understand my dilemma. deep down, I knew that I've been distracting myself with other things but I have to deal with this sooner or later. entahlah. my future seems bleak. idk how to plan it anymore because things might go the opposite way. there will surely be more detours and roadblocks along the way. 

The Choice

hallo, 

back in March, I intended to pursue my master's degree and contacted my previous supervisor to proceed with the plan. it got green-lighted and for the past six months, I've been doing all sorts of preps required to enroll in the program. up until the very last week, my mind was still set on pursuing the candidature. tho there were times when I highly doubted and question my decision. cause ya know, the road tends to be bumpy and challenging at times, and I still struggle with academic writing. so there's that. 

last week, I attended an interview held by my previous company where I did my safety trainee-ship. and to be honest, the prospect of working back there seems quite tempting. of course, I'll be assigned to a new division with different kinds of tasks, but the prospect of working there again excites me. the thing is, the interview result has not come out yet and I've another interview with the CEO scheduled in about two weeks' time. 

In the meantime, I need to sort out my online registration for my postgrad studies. I'm in a dilemma. I  don't know if I should proceed with my postgrad studies or withdraw from it. I've yet to discuss it with my supervisor. gosh, it will surely cause some inconvenience. cause I would also need to resign as an RA. it will surely be tricky for me to juggle both. 

currently, my heart is divided between pursuing my masters or my career. and deep down, my gut already tells me what I really wanted to choose. the thing is, I just need the result from the interview to make it official. still, there's no guarantee that I'll be offered the position. tho in my mind, I think I have already given my best shot. 

I need to sort this out asap cause there's a dateline that I need to catch

common Zaf choose wisely...

Spain Part 2: Paella hunting in Valencia

Well, it's been 5 years since I visited Spain. I recently discovered this old draft and decided to publish it now. Enjoy this short article! 

Day 1

we woke up super early on the next day, had our breakfast, and drove off to the next city which is Valencia. the journey took about 3 and a half hours.

our whole journey was accompanied by a gorgeous blue sky and sunshine. we could easily see the magnificent mountain from afar.

we purposely made a few stops on our way to valencia just to snap pictures. how scenic is the picture above?? majestic mountains and fluffy clouds...

at noon we arrived and then had lunch at a vegan restaurant and check-in our hotel. that night. we went for a paella hunting mission. FYI, paella is a rice dish cooked with veggies/seafood/meat, saffron, rosemary, and olive oil and other spices. there are several types of paella which consist of Valencian paella (paella valenciana), vegetarian/vegan paella (paella de verduras), seafood paella (paella de marisco), and mixed paella (paella mixta), but there are many more.(pffft... macam rancangan makanan kat afc dah jadi) we ate paella de marisco that night. rasa dia?? boleh lah ahahahaha. it's rice cooked with spices and seafood ala nasi goreng seafood kat kedai cuma basah sikit. i didn't hate the taste, but i didn't like it either. setakat nak try rasa okay lah. #tekakmelayu

Day 2

on the next day, we went sightseeing around some of the famous spot the town which includes

1)Central Market (Mercado Central)

Rant

 is this a sign from the universe that I shouldn't proceed with my plan...

one setback leads to another and this is just the beginning. 

I haven't officially started yet but I already feel like crap. like, am I that unreliable?! am I that bad?! am I that dependant?! 

the first stage of regret is already seeping in. and this time, I couldn't brush it off just like that. there are too many hindrances and distractions working or doing research from home.  At first, I thought I could adapt and get used to it, sadly, no matter how hard I tried, there's still something wrong somewhere. 

there are things that I somehow overlooked. perhaps I lack the common sense or soft skills needed to be a decent researcher. perhaps I was being delusional back then, thinking that maybe I could become one. perhaps I was being unrealistic thinking that I possibly published a research paper in some high indexed journal. 

initially, I do anticipate things will get harder and more challenging as time passes. but I never thought that the setback would come from such a trivial matter. which I obviously overlooked. It's not that I purposely do it, it's just that, like I said just now, maybe it's because I lack the qualities needed to function as a so-called researcher. dude, what happened earlier today really puts me off. I feel like an idiot. and the worst thing about it was that I was scolded and given a harsh warning in a freaking group chat. thankfully, I didn't know any of them, but still, it was degrading. 

I try not to take it personally, but sometimes my judgment and emotions tend to become messy. lol, I'm a fallible human after all. then, comes all the waterworks which still haven't dissipated. It's just embarrassing and insulting. it's like no matter how hard I try to improve myself, the lack of common sense or qualities is not there. I honestly don't know what is wrong with myself. I couldn't help but missed my last working experience, at least the people there are nice and expect you to not know everything at hand. if COVID didn't happen, I would probably still be working there. 

the thing with working from home, being around your family 24/7 is that I couldn't go on a destructive mode when I feel like doing so. there's a mask I wear and I don't always be 100% transparent when telling them about my struggles. dude, I honestly feel like crap right now. 

till then. 

Self Question

I'm questioning the decision that I made back in march. is it really what I want? it is worth it? do I have what it takes to go down this path once again? I've experienced it before. it was traumatic to say the least. but somehow after two years, I decided to pursue on it again. tak serik ke zaf?! Dude I don't know, I barely even start, in fact, I haven't officially registered as a student. but the demanding requirement does freaks me out. 

doing masters by research is like on another level. i initially thought that it was not going to be THIS challenging. for a start, writing and developing a proposal itself is so damn challenging. I struggle in arranging my intellectual thoughts properly and clearly. there are new added elements that I'm not familiar with. there are things that i haven't done before, never heard of them till my supervisor mentioned about it. 

maannn, will I survived this... 

I'm scared... 

will i be be able to keep my sanity in tact by the time I completed this research. (if i managed to complete it) 

no one knows zaf

i mean I don't think I've made the wrong choice. but maaaan, i've been questioning myself like a lot 

lagi after my ex boss called last two weeks. There's a position available in the safety department but the thing is i already give my commitment to other things. and I have to keep my word. 

i hope i wont regret this decision.

i hope by the time i finish this research it will all be worth it. the experience would eventually help me become a wiser person. 

Bye, I should start revising my proposal

priorities 

priorities 

Thoughts on Dinner Mate Ending

this is why I hate watching kdrama 

I just recently finished watching Dinner Mate. maan, now I'm having major withdrawal syndrome. like i've mentioned before, dinnermate is not the greatest love story, but I love it VERY much! 

it's a light and fluffy romcom. the kind that makes your heart flutters. it gave me that fleeting feelings of being love. tho my love life is practically non existent. i missed seeing Kim Hae Kyeong and Woo Do Hee on screen. sometimes I wished both of them could date irl cause they look so good together. the ending was okay, kinda disappointing to be honest. They didn't even give us a proper kiss in the last episode. like why do you do that pd nim...

the first half of the drama was totally enjoyable, but it kinda went downhill after both of them introduced and know each others details. the conflict from exes was annoying, and the storyline that follows were not interesting enough. the drama could have explored more on the dynamic between KHY and WDH. their love was mature, there's no childish lovers argument, they trust each other well enough and doesn't get easily jealous. when there's a problem etc they talk about it with each other and pujuk if ada yang merajuk. 

goshh, I crave for that kind of relationship. being single for 25 years is not easy... *insert sad emoji. there are times when I wish there's someone out there who would treat me like that. tho deep down i knew someone like KHY is too good to be true. for a start zaf, he's a freaking fictional character, of course he's written to be a loyal, understanding and doting boyfriend. real guys out there are not like that zaf. you'll eventually be disappointed if you have that kind of expectation

omoooo, this is why I hate watching kdrama. now i'm feeling completely senduuu

Kdrama of the week: Dinner Mate!

Rediscovering my love for K-drama

Anneyong! 

Idk where or how should I start...

okay, so we're still in under quarantine a.k.a MCO till 8th June if I'm not mistaken. Since I got nothing much to do, I've been binging a lot of drama. A LOT! 

Kdrama used to be my jam when I was in primary and secondary school, thanks to mak cu's influence. I watched most of the OG drama like winter sonata, stairway to heaven, autumn in my heart, full house and etc. My fav has got to be My Girl, Full House and Princess Hours (Goong) I only managed to rewatch full house cause it readily available on Netflix and I really like the simple and cute story like between the lead characters.

somehow over the years I kinda lose interest in kdrama and gravitate more towards mainstream Hollywood stuff like Game of Thrones, Westworld, Lucifer, Scandal and etc. i think I watched like two drama over the last five years (Oh my Venus and Descendants of the Sun). since I've been staying with my cousin, my interest in kdrama sparks again! there's a range of kdrama genre left to be explored.

It all started this year with Crash Landing on You starring Hyun Bin and Son Ye Jin. It took me a while to move on from the drama. CLOY has the right amount and cheeziness, cuteness, action,and crime! I mean the main antagonist was really bad! the side character stories were also interesting to watch. after CLOY, I was hesitant in starting a new drama cause I usually need some buffer time to remove any attachment left towards the character. LOL.

when I came back home, I decided to watch Netflix Kingdom cause the drama create a lot of buzz. Plus, the main character is the crown prince from Princess Hours, Ju Ji Hoon. I was blown away by the storyline, the characters, the action and thriller sequence. Maan, it definitely left you on the edge of your seat! i never knew that k-drama could be this great!! and I crave for moreeeee!! and don't get me started on crown prince lee chang played by the charismatic, Ju Ji Hoon! Omg, he aged like a fine wine. he was a cold but cute crown prince in Goong. In Kingdom he plays an honorable and charismatic crown prince trying his best in saving his kingdom from zombies.

that's enough fangirling 

till next time

Monthly rant

why did I sign up for this again?!

Too much of a good thing could be bad

Since MCO is not over yet, we're still staying home during Ramadan. it was really nice. but the thing is, I'm beyond piss off seeing my brothers lack of self-discipline. I understand that they're young and all but it could not justify the way they have been acting lately. naik menyampah aku tengok!! 

it's not like I hate being around my family, I'm very lucky and grateful to be around them. apa ke jadahnya kalau every single day, kau bangun waktu azan zohor?!!!! lepas tu buat minimum amount of work?!!! like wth. I try not be berkira and all, tapi wehh sakit mata lahh tengok perangai sorang-sorang macam ni. Idk where else to rant my dissatisfaction with their attitude. nak kata take cakap, I, my parents  have been consistently telling them the same thing. bangun waktu zohor and then guess what lepas zohor tidur semula. Bro, wth???!!!

kau take pening kepala ke from all the excessive sleep?? nak kata bust qiamullail take pun!!! haishhhh serious memang geram tengok 

Round two lesgo!

Hi hello 

Assalamualaikum

As per the last entry, I've decided to share this other news.

guess what?! I've decided to pursue studying again. to be honest, I am actually surprised by my own decision. it was INSTANT! I've made up my mind in less than a day. 

well, lately I have the lingering feeling of wanting to get back into studying. I've been surveying for the right universities but still hesitated in applying. then, I guess the stars aligned, I finally saw an opportunity for me to further my master's studies. 

Pursuing masters has always been my personal goal. it's just that I don't know when or where it will take place. but the mystery has been revealed. haha. I decided to pursue my studies at the same university, working under the supervision of the same lecturer. again. yep. I did that. 

so we shall see how things will unfold in the next months

I sincerely hope I could learn from my past mistakes, still keep my sanity and judgment intact.

lets hope and pray for the best! 

Quarantine Diaries Part 2

hey there, 

we're in the second phase of MCO and  I completely lost track of how many days have passed. 

truth be told, I'm starting to not feel like my usual self. it's like I'm physically here but not mentally or spiritually here. Being away from my family does make things worse. I never thought I would miss them this much. gosh, there are nights when I cry myself to sleep cause I miss them so so much but there's nothing much  I can do since our movement is restricted during MCO. I just wanna go back to my hometown. 

Living with my uncle's family can be quite exhausting sometimes. there's nothing wrong with them. it's me. IDK about you guys out there, but being an introvert, I tend to be reserved when being around people that I'm not comfortable with. They have been treating me well, I had enough meal and shelter and all the basic needs one needs to survive MCO. But I couldn't help but feel like an outsider. Cause I'm basically menumpang. I just missed being around my family. it takes a lot for me to drag myself out of bed every single time. I need to maintain a version of myself when being around them. yup. it's not like I'm pretending or what, it's just that there's multiple version of myself when being around every type of people.

I don't know how long I could keep up with this. The possibility of MCO being extended is high. I would probably spend my Ramadan and Raya away from my family. Maan, that sucks so bad realizing that your hometown is only three hours' drive. But it is legally forbidden for you to move around from one place to the other. Koyak. Yup. I'm really struggling here. 

I've been face-timing my family like A LOT during MCO but tell ya what, nothing beats face to face communication. I just missed being around them. having my mom dish, bickering with my brothers not to forget the usual convo with my dad. who would've thought that in 2020 our so-called 'freedom" would be taken away from us? 

Quarantine Diaries

hi hello

we meet again

as we all know, the whole world is currently plagued with COVID-19 pandemic. truth be told, things have not been going okay lately. for the past three weeks, all of us are required to stay at home, practice good hygiene and social distancing. who would've thought 2020 would turn out to be like this. we couldn't even drive or socialize freely, joining mass gathering is legally forbidden right now. 

we're facing tough times and this situation would eventually give a negative impact on the overall safety, health, and economic prosperity. there's a looming economic recession coming right up after we sort ourselves out from the pandemic. my heart goes out to those working in the private sector no matter what industry they're in. 

I probably never mention this before, but I'm undergoing a six months internship at Pos Aviation KLIA, which is in the aviation industry. it has always been a dream of mine to be working at the airport. there's something fascinating seeing the aircraft taking and departure and seeing people come and go at the airport. I was finally able to become part of aviation which is so cool. to be specific, the company specialized in ground handling services. I get to see and learn about what happened behind the scene. 

I was really hoping to build a career in the aviation industry, in safety health and environment to be exact, but the timing was not right. the COVID-19 pandemic has affected the industry and company devastatingly. I was quite bummed at first but hey this kind of thing is out of my control. I was in the middle of going through the application process of being

permanent staff. but hey it's totally okay. you're rezeki is out there somewhere

there's other news that I would like to share soon. 

so stay tuned on the upcoming posts 

Goodnight, stay safe and stay at home :)