Hi there,
lately, I've been asked the same question from different people. and to be frank, i really don't have the mood to answer them. why are you guys being so interested in my life? I don't mean to be rude but please mind your own business.
we are in the month of Ramadan rn which means I'll be going to family gathering and iftar. it's not that I hate meeting with people, but maaaaan they can be very annoying. i don't understand like why do they have certain expectation towards myself. am i portraying certain type of reputation or what?!
to be clear, lemme explain the question that keeps on haunting me. it goes something like this:
"kaklong tak sambung masters ke lepas ni?"
"are you doing postgrad study after this?"
tbh, I would love to answer your question but the problem is that I don't have a nice appropriate answer. I know my personal reason and justification for not furthering masters. but I doubt that they would like to hear about it. I've been thinking about it and trying to find a suitable way to present my stand. the busy body people who keep on asking don't even know me personally pffffft . so why do I bother on entertaining their question?
nonetheless, I will explain it in this blog for my own sake of satisfaction. haha
the thing about postgrad study is that it requires you to be fully committed physically mentally intellectually and spiritually. it is an insane and wild ride. during my undergraduate studies, I have a brief exposure on how does one conduct a research. and based on my previous experience, I have a pretty good picture of the whole process. it is not something that I would like to go through again in the near future. (who knows, I may change my mind but rn this is my decision) I've experienced my highest high and lowest low back at that time. if it weren't for my amazing support system, (my parents, close family and friends, and supervisor) I won't be able to successfully complete it.
those pesky people who ask the questions, they don't really know what happened behind the scene. all those intense sleepless nights, being constantly depressed and doubting my own capability. truth be told, there was the time when I almost lose my sanity. yup, that's the real deal. I have my usual breakdowns in random places crying like a mental person. it was tough. and I don't have what it takes to be good post-grad student/researcher. so why would I trouble myself?
I truly admire and respect those who are currently pursuing their masters or Ph.D. it is such an honorable and holy thing to do. in fact, it is a form of jihad in the Islamic teaching. I would love to experience it but now is not the right time. personally, for me, the postgrad study is a transcendent process. it involved many aspects intertwined with each other. for a start, I need to be truly clear with my intention in doing the study or else my action will be bs. haha. I kinda learn it the hard way.
I can't just dive into it, head first. the challenges are bigger, the stakes are higher. I can't simply 'buat ikut suka-suka' for the sake of exploring or whatever. so yeah that's the reality. no, that is my reality. I've been spending lots of time thinking whether I should give it a shot. to try doing my masters. but then again, i keep on asking myself, why am i doing this again? what is my main purpose? what are my true intention? my current justification for the questions is not solid enough. I haven't find my true calling yet.
who knows, maybe one day something inside me clicks and I might pursue my study. but as I've mentioned earlier, now is not the time. if this question pops again, I believe the best thing for me to do is smile and ignore it..? and shrug it off. haha
well isn't there a saying that states "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" well I'm going to stick to this.
I don't intend on writing a long post but here we are. let's just end it right here then.
Bye xx
