is this a sign from the universe that I shouldn't proceed with my plan...
one setback leads to another and this is just the beginning.
I haven't officially started yet but I already feel like crap. like, am I that unreliable?! am I that bad?! am I that dependant?!
the first stage of regret is already seeping in. and this time, I couldn't brush it off just like that. there are too many hindrances and distractions working or doing research from home. At first, I thought I could adapt and get used to it, sadly, no matter how hard I tried, there's still something wrong somewhere.
there are things that I somehow overlooked. perhaps I lack the common sense or soft skills needed to be a decent researcher. perhaps I was being delusional back then, thinking that maybe I could become one. perhaps I was being unrealistic thinking that I possibly published a research paper in some high indexed journal.
initially, I do anticipate things will get harder and more challenging as time passes. but I never thought that the setback would come from such a trivial matter. which I obviously overlooked. It's not that I purposely do it, it's just that, like I said just now, maybe it's because I lack the qualities needed to function as a so-called researcher. dude, what happened earlier today really puts me off. I feel like an idiot. and the worst thing about it was that I was scolded and given a harsh warning in a freaking group chat. thankfully, I didn't know any of them, but still, it was degrading.
I try not to take it personally, but sometimes my judgment and emotions tend to become messy. lol, I'm a fallible human after all. then, comes all the waterworks which still haven't dissipated. It's just embarrassing and insulting. it's like no matter how hard I try to improve myself, the lack of common sense or qualities is not there. I honestly don't know what is wrong with myself. I couldn't help but missed my last working experience, at least the people there are nice and expect you to not know everything at hand. if COVID didn't happen, I would probably still be working there.
the thing with working from home, being around your family 24/7 is that I couldn't go on a destructive mode when I feel like doing so. there's a mask I wear and I don't always be 100% transparent when telling them about my struggles. dude, I honestly feel like crap right now.
till then.
