BYEE

the day has finally come. 

I guess everything is all said and done. I can happily move on with my life and forget about what has happened before. I was hoping for a better closure but have to settle for less. haha. I mean it was kinda awkward after not seeing him for months. I wish I had been more friendly but that is not me. and his reaction was kinda cold. everything is fine now. I finally had my closure and I'm happy to say that it is over way before it begins. that particular period of time was truly one a kind experience  and I appreciate it a lot. enough zaf, let's just close the chapter okay?!

Bye

Lost

"Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's falling from grace

She's all over the place, yeah"

These two verses from Avril Lavigne's song resonates with me lately. My life has been stagnant for months now, yet I still fail to improve the situation. The so-called gap year that I've decided to take is not bringing me much benefit. Initially, I believe this gap will allow me to sort myself out but what truly happened is the opposite of that. being stuck in the same cycle over and over again without being able to find a way out. The cycle of self-doubt and anxiety keeps on haunting me from time to time. and the worst part of it all, I'd have no one to share it with. no one to reach out. I don't feel like my problem is worth sharing. There were nights when I have my occasional anxiety attacks, cried myself to sleep and feeling so damn worthless. why did this situation happen?! what is wrong with me?! I never felt this lost before. I don't know how to stay calm and collected anymore cause I'm miserable internally. broken inside. 

I feel guilty towards my parents as they have such huge expectation from their eldest daughter. but I would not be able to fulfill it. I try not to compare myself with other people but at times it just happens without realizing it. my graduation ceremony is the day after my 23rd birthday yet I feel like there's nothing to be celebrated. Finishing my bachelor degree meant nothing much to me tho I have given my all in trying to do so. the thing is that when it officially ended I felt hollow and empty inside. I felt like it was worthless (in a way). Gosh, I sound like a very ungrateful person. I dreaded the day when I eventually meet my previous coursemates and lecturers. how am I suppose to face them? not to mention the usual small talks and catching up. Is there any way where I can avoid it? I don't wanna be like kacang lupakan kulit, but I'm just not in my best self. 

The only thing that is keeping me sane in the last few months is this space. this blog. where I can write and pour myself out. I have been distant with my friend cause I could help it but feel inferior to them. I've never felt this alone. it's like it's me myself and I against the world. 

Being stuck suck!

oh lord, help me

9 months have passed yet here I am, being stuck in the same place doing the very same thing since January. it was indeed an uneventful year for me. instead of entering into the very next life stage (a.k.a adulting), I've decided to take a gap, slow down and reflect on some things. the thing is that I lost my momentum in trying to search for a job. I overindulged in my so-called long break, spending time at home doing house chores and another bare minimum stuff. initially, I didn't plan on staying unemployed for this long. but I get too carried away and feeling so comfortable living with my parents.  

what were you thinking?? 

how long do you intend on staying like this?

what is wrong with you? 

why are you being stuck in life??

for heaven's sake, girl, you're 23! stop being so irresponsible. you cannot stay in your cocoon forever. I understand that you have your doubts in life, you have your uncertainties, but things cannot go on like this. why are you being hesitant when it comes to applying for your job! goodness, you need to do it for yourself. no ones gonna do it for you. In life, things do not come in the silver platter. if you didn't put your effort, you won't be getting any offer! 

you have taken too much time figuring out your plan. yet still, fail to come with one solid enough. heck, idk where will I be, what will I do in the next five years?! 

and the worst part is when people keep on bombarding you with the same question every time you meet. 

I hate being stuck in this period but it's disappointing cause I did nothing to fix it. 

Thoughts on graduating

Hey there

Sorry for the long absence. I got caught up with eid preparation and celebration for the past few weeks. I just wanted to share about my recent taught on graduating and whats to come after that. As I've mentioned earlier in this blog, I completed my bachelor's degree last January. With much disgrace, I am still unemployed and living with my parents. this week has been tough, I cried myself to sleep for several nights already. in fact, my eyes are quite teary while I was writing this post. 

UM has officially released the details for the upcoming graduation ceremony which will be held in October. You know what, I should feel excited and honored that I got the chance to study and graduate at one of Malaysia most prestigious university. but apparently, I'm not.  Yup. I'm not looking forward to meeting all the familiar people I know in UM. This includes my coursemates, friends and former lecturers. For a start, there's nothing to be proud of when I still haven't secured a job and kickstart my career. I have to admit that I feel like a walking failure right now. Most of my friends have settled into working life and gaining all sorts of professional experience. I feel inferior to others though I have warned myself not to be bothered by other people.

Battling with my inner demons is always challenging. Sometimes I can ignore and shake it off but not this time. It has successfully consumed me altogether with my confidence and capabilities. I overthink too much and started doubting on myself, it comes to a point where I don't feel worthy of the job I wanted to apply. I often questioned my own ability and whether I can carry out the task given. The current job market can be likened to the survival of the fittest. It is a very competitive situation out there and I don't know if I am fit enough to survive, or I'll be 'dead'.

I do realize that I should give it a try and start applying for a job more seriously. cause they say, you never know if you didn't try. the whole taught of it overwhelms me and make me anxious. but I can't stay forever in my comfort zone. so what can be done hmm? Maybe I have to put in more faith in myself and force my ass off to work. and also not to be picky in choosing the job. cause girl, you gotta earn money and provide for yourself. If this doesn't motivate me, I don't know what else can.

While everyone is excited about making plans for the graduation ceremony, here I am feeling like there's nothing much to be celebrated. I graduated with a first class degree but still very much feel unaccomplished. I couldn't help thinking that I may have let my parents down tho they never say it out loud :'(. There's too much hope and expectation being a firstborn and I couldn't keep up with all that. I need to resolve this mess and move forward with my life. Just ignore about other people judgement and opinion on yourself. Bear in mind that each of us has our own timeline destined by God. Just put in out maximum effort and insyaAllah things will finally work out sooner or later. at the end of the day, we are given what we need not what we want 

About THAT question

Hi there, 

lately, I've been asked the same question from different people. and to be frank, i really don't have the mood to answer them. why are you guys being so interested in my life? I don't mean to be rude but please mind your own business. 

we are in the month of Ramadan rn which means I'll be going to family gathering and iftar. it's not that I hate meeting with people, but maaaaan they can be very annoying. i don't understand like why do they have certain expectation towards myself. am i portraying certain type of reputation or what?!

to be clear, lemme explain the question that keeps on haunting me. it goes something like this: 

"kaklong tak sambung masters ke lepas ni?"

"are you doing postgrad study after this?" 

tbh, I would love to answer your question but the problem is that I don't have a nice appropriate answer. I know my personal reason and justification for not furthering masters. but I doubt that they would like to hear about it. I've been thinking about it and trying to find a suitable way to present my stand.  the busy body people who keep on asking don't even know me personally pffffft . so why do I bother on entertaining their question? 

nonetheless, I will explain it in this blog for my own sake of satisfaction. haha

the thing about postgrad study is that it requires you to be fully committed physically mentally intellectually and spiritually. it is an insane and wild ride. during my undergraduate studies, I have a brief exposure on how does one conduct a research. and based on my previous experience, I have a pretty good picture of the whole process. it is not something that I would like to go through again in the near future. (who knows, I may change my mind but rn this is my decision)  I've experienced my highest high and lowest low back at that time. if it weren't for my amazing support system, (my parents, close family and friends, and supervisor) I won't be able to successfully complete it. 

those pesky people who ask the questions, they don't really know what happened behind the scene. all those intense sleepless nights, being constantly depressed and doubting my own capability. truth be told, there was the time when I almost lose my sanity. yup, that's the real deal. I have my usual breakdowns in random places crying like a mental person. it was tough. and I don't have what it takes to be good post-grad student/researcher. so why would I trouble myself? 

I truly admire and respect those who are currently pursuing their masters or Ph.D. it is such an honorable and holy thing to do. in fact, it is a form of jihad in the Islamic teaching. I would love to experience it but now is not the right time. personally, for me, the postgrad study is a transcendent process. it involved many aspects intertwined with each other. for a start, I need to be truly clear with my intention in doing the study or else my action will be bs. haha. I kinda learn it the hard way. 

I can't just dive into it, head first. the challenges are bigger, the stakes are higher. I can't simply 'buat ikut suka-suka' for the sake of exploring or whatever.  so yeah that's the reality. no, that is my reality. I've been spending lots of time thinking whether I should give it a shot. to try doing my masters. but then again, i keep on asking myself, why am i doing this again? what is my main purpose? what are my true intention? my current justification for the questions is not solid enough. I haven't find my true calling yet. 

who knows, maybe one day something inside me clicks and I might pursue my study. but as I've mentioned earlier, now is not the time. if this question pops again, I believe the best thing for me to do is smile and ignore it..? and shrug it off. haha

well isn't there a saying that states "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" well I'm going to stick to this. 

I don't intend on writing a long post but here we are. let's just end it right here then. 

Bye xx

Ramadan update

Alhamdulillah, 

we have reach the holy and blessed month of Ramadan. 

it is a huge blessing for us to be able to experience it again this year. not everyone can make it through, there were lots of news of people passing before ramadan. we never knew when will it be our last chance...

ramadan arrives at a time when i needed it the most. idk about you guys out there, but for me it brings a sense of peacefulness and relief from life challenges.  it puts me in a very very good state (physically, mentally and spiritually). it makes you forget about all the worries in real life. 

i hope I can truly make use of this month and prioritize on what is important. I truly want to improve myself internally, make a strong relationship and dependency towards the Creator. sometimes, i just couldn't help it but feel a bit lost and distorted with myself. being in a hopeless state and losing faith.  

i believe it is best for me to minimize the distractions (twitter and instagram etc) and really focus on me. i've been wanting to go offline and see how it goes. so this is the best time to do this . I do need to take a break from social media cause man that thing consumes me. when you go online you see false portrayal of life which can be misleading. and also makes you feel bad and jealous and sometime ungrateful with what you've had. 

so let's get rid of unnecessary distractions and strive towards a better version of you :)

that is all for my ramadan update. 

may this ramadan brings you peace and blessings inshaAllah.

Moving on

moving on is never easy for me. 

getting over familiar faces and places is always challenging. it's been three months since I completed my studies and left uni. there are days when i keep on thinking about all the good stuff (and bad stuff) that had happened before. those memories make me tear up every single time. yo, i am that dramatic and nostalgic. 

I'd be lying if i say that i didn't miss the place. I've been going back to UM monthly just to experience and soak in the vibe of it.  i know there's an option for me to continue my study there but that's a whole different story. i just miss my undergraduate life so so much, it hurts. the adrenaline and thrill of catching up to a deadline, studying for tests and rushing to go to class when your late. i freaking miss all of those! not to mention all the movie date and makan session and other random things. most of my friends have already secure into a job and living their life. carrying on with the very next stage after completing their study. 

as for me, I'm still stuck in my cocoon. spending time in my comfy room, my safe haven. 

transitioning from one phase to another is always challenging. i experienced similar situation to this when i finished my high school. being in a dark and confusing place. i keep on questioning myself and trying to figure out my next plan. tbh, i'm more of a follow-the-flow kinda person. setting up goals and pushing my self towards it makes me feel stressed out. i can be hard on myself especially when i couldn't keep up with my goal. so yeah, i would very much prefer to keep things real and practical. 

being in the 20s is about seizing the moment and hustling. exploring new possibilities and chances.

in my case, i believe what's best for me is to take it easy, make one small progress after another. some people are born to hustle, shine and live in the fast pace of life. but each and everyone of us is unique in our very own way. there's no right or wrong way for us to approach on what life has to offer. each and everyone of us have our own values and virtues that we hold on to. each and everyone of us have set our own goals and plans to achieve it.

with that in mind, i've decided to get to know myself better, to know my strength and weaknesses, and later proceed on entering the very next stage (adulting and working life). i need to embrace my own self and be at ease with it cause at the end of the day, i only got my self. i am my own support system. as much as i hate to admit it, it's the truth. the people around you, your family and friends, they don't walk in your shoes so they may not understand what you're dealing with.

my dear self, live life at your own pace.

stop comparing it with people around you. i know that things can be overwhelming. you shouldn't feel like a loser if you fail to achieve things that you should be achieving at this age. and please bear in mind that life's not competition. so stop competing with your friends. you should only be competing and challenging yourself. take as  much time  as you need to truly bring whats best in you. you've achieve quite a lot of things in life, thus you should be grateful for it. if you keep on comparing yourself with others you may be filled with jealousy (maaan that thing is toxic, stay away from it!).

I believe that you can move on from your previous phase go into the next stage. you just need a little push and take a leap of faith. adult life may not always be filled with rainbows and butterflies but trust me you'll survive. you may struggle at first but that's how life works. common girl, i trully believe you can do this. so, let's gooo!

You can't have everything in life

you can't have everything in life.

yup, that's the reality.

you can't have it all.

let that sink in.

in  life, we often envy those who seems like they have it all. we often wonder, what does it takes to have something like that? what did he/she did to deserve something like that? we often dwell on our own imperfection and lacking in any aspects. but let's just take a step back and reflect. let just remind ourselves that there is no such thing as perfection and justice in this world. in fact, the nature of this world is nothing like that

we live in a world filled with misleading expectation about many things. most of the times, what we observe can be deceiving. we might have mistakenly overlooked certain things. our limited knowledge and perspectives do have its pitfalls. 

it is easy for us to be envious when we see other people thrive. in our view, those around us are doing so much better than us. there are those who have instantly secure a job, those who have already found their partner, those who know what they are going to do with their life, those who have found their passion and etc. we start to wonder why we can't have what they have?? those around us seems like they have their life sorted out. they seem like they have it all. 

and then, there are those who still struggling. still searching for their passion. still being insecure about many many things. still seeking for my their virtues and values. in my case, i've been having my internal dilemma for quite a while. there's so many things that i cannot comprehend. after having some thoughts and reading, i've come to a conclusion that you can't have everything in life. your life in this world is not meant to be perfect. there are gaps and loopholes that need to be filled. there are plenty of things that need to be improved. 

each and everyone of us have our own struggles. some are publicly shared while some are not. none of us have everything that we want. there are things that we are deprived of. such state allows us to keep on improving ourselves while at the same time being grateful for what we have. we have to put in our best effort and strive. but along the process we may encounter challenges either physically, mentally or spiritually. nonetheless, just don't get discourage by it and let it consume you. 

not-so short life update!

well hello there!!

just wanna fill up with my short life update. 

1. i've finished my first degree! 

the last couple of months have been amazing. it was the final semester of my first degree. i'm only taking four subjects, so i got a lot of time to spent doing nothing and everything. there are times when it was so damn intense and there were times when i don't know what to do with my life. 

but guess what?! i've finally completed my first degree. indeed it has given me this sense of satisfaction. it was one of my biggest self achievement, but it was not everything lah. duhh of course, baru degree je. but this degree is really one of a kind. i still vividly remember the struggles of doing assignments, reports and writing thesis. dealing with different kind of people. it was an eye opening experience but with a very good exposure. and i already miss being a uni student. 

i can safely admit that, this whole degree thing does change, broaden your horizon. change your outlook on life and etc. it does sort of prepare you for the next phase a.k.a adulting phase. i may not be applying everything that i learned from uni but there are certain values that are important. 

i do feel extremely sad that this journey has come to an end. i've been blessed with an amazing group of friends. parting ways with them was never easy. i legit cried for days. in the car, in the bedroom and almost everywhere. i really do miss them. and i'm just not good at goodbye. not good. They have seen me at my best and at my worst. we've been through hell and high water together. do crazy random shit in the middle of the night. i will terribly miss those moments.

2. i'm still single and socially awkward to mingle. 

hahahah. dah habis degree but still takde harapan nak ada someone special. tbh, i think guys in UM are not that attractive. most of them was like entah apa apa. i'm not being desperate or what, but there times when i really wanna know what's it like being in a romantic relationship. i've never been in one. sejak dari bangku sekolah up until know. idk maybe i'm not gf material. 

well for a start i can be quite awks around new people and i'm not very friendly. i can't simply talk about random shit to people i've just met. yup. and maybe i'm selekeh pakai biasa biasa je pergi kelas. the  male friend that i constantly keep in touch were my boarding school friend. but that was more like best friend kind of thing. but in UM, i couldn't find those kind of friendship. too bad kan? 

i've had several crushes. tapi semua tak kesampaian. they either found someone else or i lost interest in them. hahah. one thing fosho, i never dared to confess my feelings towards any of them. cause being rejected kinda sucks so let's just pass. perhaps, when time is right, i'll eventually find The One. but the time is not now.

3. i'm officially unemployed

the prospect is very scary. idk where to start. lets just hope and pray that there are vacancies or a position for me at any firm somewhere in KL. the process of job seeking is insanely competitive and i'm not sure if i will ever secure a job. quit the crap zafirah, you need to stay positive and increase your effort!!

i've attended a career fair last weekend with my friends. some of us were pretty determined to find a job. tbh, i was amazed by their determination. like they were seriously seeking for a job. and then there's me who went there just to survey future employer and get the hang of it. it's not that i enjoyed being unemployed, it's just, i would like to take some time off from all the hectic-ness. spending a couple months at home is not that bad tho.

currently, i'm pretty much occupied with doing domestic work in my home. tell ya what, it's not easy and the list of tasks that you need to do is never ending. but nonetheless, i do enjoy doing it. you gotta multitask tho, from cleaning, cooking and do the laundry. tahu-tahu je hari dah petang.

i should prolly end my not-so short life update. see ya in the next post. byee

Zafirah xx

New Zealand | Part 3 : Day trip to Wanaka

click here if you wanna read about part 2

before i proceed, may i warn you that this post will be heavily loaded with pictures.

on the second day of our stay in South Island NZ, we decided to go for a daytrip to wanaka. fyi, wanaka is about two hours drive from queenstown. but trust me, the journey was totally worth it cause the views maaan. the views is insanely stunning!!

initially, my one and only reason for including wanaka in our itinerary was to find the instagram famous 'that wanaka tree'. sebab tu je. hahah sangat takde kerja. i've been following countless instas of digital travel nomad in new zealand since three/four years ago and you know what, almost all of them featured this perfect scenic picture of 'that wanaka tree' in their feed. so when i finally got the chance to explore this country of course i made a mission to find it. 

the question is... do i managed to find it?

dun dun dun

i'll get back to this later ya?

that morning after having our breakfast, we set for wanaka. about an hour drive from queenstown we stopped at lake county council lookout. how picturesque is this..? ni pun the photo doesn't do justice to the view. luckily i was not driving at that time. cause if i were, silap haribulan kereta boleh melencong sebab asyik tengok tepi je. heheh. oh before i forgot, nak tahu tak, sebab terlalu overexcited dan terkesima with the view, me being a clumsy person jatuh dua/tiga kali sebab mata asyik tengok benda lain je, ahahah

this is the first time when i almost fall backwards. kononnya, nak ambil gambar duduk atas palang ni. sekali haaa almost nak tergolek kebelakang. ahahah

since safety is first. kita berdiri je lah. ahahah

we then continued our journey to wanaka via the crown range road. the drive was incredibly wonderful since we get to see different landscapes along the way. at first i didn't expect to see snow in the mountains cause we came here during late winter time. but hey surprise suprise, ada rezeki nak tengok real snow even kat tepi jalan. 

casually freezing my bum off sebab jakun first time jumpa snow

after driving for about two hours, we finally arrived at our destination, Wanaka. btw, do you guys remember bout my 'that wanaka tree' plan? you know what? i totally forgot about that after seeing this...

MasyaAllah, look at the magnificent vista..

upon arriving we headed towards lake wanaka front. we didn't plan any adventurous activities ke apa. just free and easy 'lepak' session in front the lake while enjoying fresh local fruits. i could happily sit here and stare at this magnificent view for hours while contemplating about life. i lived for this kind of pleasure. hehe

i am so so thankful that i manage to explore and see Wanaka in person. the post that i usually see in my instagram feed did not do justice for this place. MasyaAllah, Wanaka is so amazing and the view is insanely gorgeous. By the way, the tourist crowd is not too huge so you can simply enjoy the view all to yourself. I enjoyed every single moment here in Wanaka. it kinds of make you feel calm and at ease and forget about all the crap happening in your life. hahah. i did not want to leave this place. seriously. it kinda feels like homeee. although technically my actual home is in Chenor.

there was this sinking feeling i had when leaving Wanaka,  because i'll never know when will i return again. half of my heart was left in this place. *cries a river* even after a year, i can still remember the feeling and vibe of this place every time i close my eyes. let's just hope and pray that i'll be able to visit Wanaka in the future insyaAllah. 

so these are my sincere thoughts and review after exploring Wanaka.  See you all i the next post

Zafirah xx

A fresh start

Hi Assalamulaikum...

i haven't updated this blog since last July if i'm not mistaken. 

Yikes...

That was a very long time. tbh, i'm not sure what to write in this blog. content creation is not easy peasy lemon squeezy. for the last few months, i've been focusing on my studies and little attention is given towards this blog. 

it was kind of a bummer because i really do miss writing updates and etc. the blog allows me to keep in track with my life and express my feelings and thoughts freely. i am a very very sentimental person and i like to revisit my past experiences and stories - walk down the memory lane kind of thing. so yeah that was the main reason as to why i started the blog in the very first place. i used to write on a physical diary back then, and now thanks to technology, I've have a virtual diary. 

for the next few entries, i will try my best to beat the writer's block and put up some new updates. perhaps on my latest plans after finishing my studies, share my current favourite books and other things. 

so here's for a fresh new start

see you in next post :)

Zaf xx