BYEE

the day has finally come. 

I guess everything is all said and done. I can happily move on with my life and forget about what has happened before. I was hoping for a better closure but have to settle for less. haha. I mean it was kinda awkward after not seeing him for months. I wish I had been more friendly but that is not me. and his reaction was kinda cold. everything is fine now. I finally had my closure and I'm happy to say that it is over way before it begins. that particular period of time was truly one a kind experience  and I appreciate it a lot. enough zaf, let's just close the chapter okay?!

Bye

Lost

"Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's falling from grace

She's all over the place, yeah"

These two verses from Avril Lavigne's song resonates with me lately. My life has been stagnant for months now, yet I still fail to improve the situation. The so-called gap year that I've decided to take is not bringing me much benefit. Initially, I believe this gap will allow me to sort myself out but what truly happened is the opposite of that. being stuck in the same cycle over and over again without being able to find a way out. The cycle of self-doubt and anxiety keeps on haunting me from time to time. and the worst part of it all, I'd have no one to share it with. no one to reach out. I don't feel like my problem is worth sharing. There were nights when I have my occasional anxiety attacks, cried myself to sleep and feeling so damn worthless. why did this situation happen?! what is wrong with me?! I never felt this lost before. I don't know how to stay calm and collected anymore cause I'm miserable internally. broken inside. 

I feel guilty towards my parents as they have such huge expectation from their eldest daughter. but I would not be able to fulfill it. I try not to compare myself with other people but at times it just happens without realizing it. my graduation ceremony is the day after my 23rd birthday yet I feel like there's nothing to be celebrated. Finishing my bachelor degree meant nothing much to me tho I have given my all in trying to do so. the thing is that when it officially ended I felt hollow and empty inside. I felt like it was worthless (in a way). Gosh, I sound like a very ungrateful person. I dreaded the day when I eventually meet my previous coursemates and lecturers. how am I suppose to face them? not to mention the usual small talks and catching up. Is there any way where I can avoid it? I don't wanna be like kacang lupakan kulit, but I'm just not in my best self. 

The only thing that is keeping me sane in the last few months is this space. this blog. where I can write and pour myself out. I have been distant with my friend cause I could help it but feel inferior to them. I've never felt this alone. it's like it's me myself and I against the world.