Rant

 is this a sign from the universe that I shouldn't proceed with my plan...

one setback leads to another and this is just the beginning. 

I haven't officially started yet but I already feel like crap. like, am I that unreliable?! am I that bad?! am I that dependant?! 

the first stage of regret is already seeping in. and this time, I couldn't brush it off just like that. there are too many hindrances and distractions working or doing research from home.  At first, I thought I could adapt and get used to it, sadly, no matter how hard I tried, there's still something wrong somewhere. 

there are things that I somehow overlooked. perhaps I lack the common sense or soft skills needed to be a decent researcher. perhaps I was being delusional back then, thinking that maybe I could become one. perhaps I was being unrealistic thinking that I possibly published a research paper in some high indexed journal. 

initially, I do anticipate things will get harder and more challenging as time passes. but I never thought that the setback would come from such a trivial matter. which I obviously overlooked. It's not that I purposely do it, it's just that, like I said just now, maybe it's because I lack the qualities needed to function as a so-called researcher. dude, what happened earlier today really puts me off. I feel like an idiot. and the worst thing about it was that I was scolded and given a harsh warning in a freaking group chat. thankfully, I didn't know any of them, but still, it was degrading. 

I try not to take it personally, but sometimes my judgment and emotions tend to become messy. lol, I'm a fallible human after all. then, comes all the waterworks which still haven't dissipated. It's just embarrassing and insulting. it's like no matter how hard I try to improve myself, the lack of common sense or qualities is not there. I honestly don't know what is wrong with myself. I couldn't help but missed my last working experience, at least the people there are nice and expect you to not know everything at hand. if COVID didn't happen, I would probably still be working there. 

the thing with working from home, being around your family 24/7 is that I couldn't go on a destructive mode when I feel like doing so. there's a mask I wear and I don't always be 100% transparent when telling them about my struggles. dude, I honestly feel like crap right now. 

till then. 

Self Question

I'm questioning the decision that I made back in march. is it really what I want? it is worth it? do I have what it takes to go down this path once again? I've experienced it before. it was traumatic to say the least. but somehow after two years, I decided to pursue on it again. tak serik ke zaf?! Dude I don't know, I barely even start, in fact, I haven't officially registered as a student. but the demanding requirement does freaks me out. 

doing masters by research is like on another level. i initially thought that it was not going to be THIS challenging. for a start, writing and developing a proposal itself is so damn challenging. I struggle in arranging my intellectual thoughts properly and clearly. there are new added elements that I'm not familiar with. there are things that i haven't done before, never heard of them till my supervisor mentioned about it. 

maannn, will I survived this... 

I'm scared... 

will i be be able to keep my sanity in tact by the time I completed this research. (if i managed to complete it) 

no one knows zaf

i mean I don't think I've made the wrong choice. but maaaan, i've been questioning myself like a lot 

lagi after my ex boss called last two weeks. There's a position available in the safety department but the thing is i already give my commitment to other things. and I have to keep my word. 

i hope i wont regret this decision.

i hope by the time i finish this research it will all be worth it. the experience would eventually help me become a wiser person. 

Bye, I should start revising my proposal

priorities 

priorities 

Thoughts on Dinner Mate Ending

this is why I hate watching kdrama 

I just recently finished watching Dinner Mate. maan, now I'm having major withdrawal syndrome. like i've mentioned before, dinnermate is not the greatest love story, but I love it VERY much! 

it's a light and fluffy romcom. the kind that makes your heart flutters. it gave me that fleeting feelings of being love. tho my love life is practically non existent. i missed seeing Kim Hae Kyeong and Woo Do Hee on screen. sometimes I wished both of them could date irl cause they look so good together. the ending was okay, kinda disappointing to be honest. They didn't even give us a proper kiss in the last episode. like why do you do that pd nim...

the first half of the drama was totally enjoyable, but it kinda went downhill after both of them introduced and know each others details. the conflict from exes was annoying, and the storyline that follows were not interesting enough. the drama could have explored more on the dynamic between KHY and WDH. their love was mature, there's no childish lovers argument, they trust each other well enough and doesn't get easily jealous. when there's a problem etc they talk about it with each other and pujuk if ada yang merajuk. 

goshh, I crave for that kind of relationship. being single for 25 years is not easy... *insert sad emoji. there are times when I wish there's someone out there who would treat me like that. tho deep down i knew someone like KHY is too good to be true. for a start zaf, he's a freaking fictional character, of course he's written to be a loyal, understanding and doting boyfriend. real guys out there are not like that zaf. you'll eventually be disappointed if you have that kind of expectation

omoooo, this is why I hate watching kdrama. now i'm feeling completely senduuu

Kdrama of the week: Dinner Mate!

Rediscovering my love for K-drama

Anneyong! 

Idk where or how should I start...

okay, so we're still in under quarantine a.k.a MCO till 8th June if I'm not mistaken. Since I got nothing much to do, I've been binging a lot of drama. A LOT! 

Kdrama used to be my jam when I was in primary and secondary school, thanks to mak cu's influence. I watched most of the OG drama like winter sonata, stairway to heaven, autumn in my heart, full house and etc. My fav has got to be My Girl, Full House and Princess Hours (Goong) I only managed to rewatch full house cause it readily available on Netflix and I really like the simple and cute story like between the lead characters.

somehow over the years I kinda lose interest in kdrama and gravitate more towards mainstream Hollywood stuff like Game of Thrones, Westworld, Lucifer, Scandal and etc. i think I watched like two drama over the last five years (Oh my Venus and Descendants of the Sun). since I've been staying with my cousin, my interest in kdrama sparks again! there's a range of kdrama genre left to be explored.

It all started this year with Crash Landing on You starring Hyun Bin and Son Ye Jin. It took me a while to move on from the drama. CLOY has the right amount and cheeziness, cuteness, action,and crime! I mean the main antagonist was really bad! the side character stories were also interesting to watch. after CLOY, I was hesitant in starting a new drama cause I usually need some buffer time to remove any attachment left towards the character. LOL.

when I came back home, I decided to watch Netflix Kingdom cause the drama create a lot of buzz. Plus, the main character is the crown prince from Princess Hours, Ju Ji Hoon. I was blown away by the storyline, the characters, the action and thriller sequence. Maan, it definitely left you on the edge of your seat! i never knew that k-drama could be this great!! and I crave for moreeeee!! and don't get me started on crown prince lee chang played by the charismatic, Ju Ji Hoon! Omg, he aged like a fine wine. he was a cold but cute crown prince in Goong. In Kingdom he plays an honorable and charismatic crown prince trying his best in saving his kingdom from zombies.

that's enough fangirling 

till next time

Monthly rant

why did I sign up for this again?!

Too much of a good thing could be bad

Since MCO is not over yet, we're still staying home during Ramadan. it was really nice. but the thing is, I'm beyond piss off seeing my brothers lack of self-discipline. I understand that they're young and all but it could not justify the way they have been acting lately. naik menyampah aku tengok!! 

it's not like I hate being around my family, I'm very lucky and grateful to be around them. apa ke jadahnya kalau every single day, kau bangun waktu azan zohor?!!!! lepas tu buat minimum amount of work?!!! like wth. I try not be berkira and all, tapi wehh sakit mata lahh tengok perangai sorang-sorang macam ni. Idk where else to rant my dissatisfaction with their attitude. nak kata take cakap, I, my parents  have been consistently telling them the same thing. bangun waktu zohor and then guess what lepas zohor tidur semula. Bro, wth???!!!

kau take pening kepala ke from all the excessive sleep?? nak kata bust qiamullail take pun!!! haishhhh serious memang geram tengok