About THAT question

Hi there, 

lately, I've been asked the same question from different people. and to be frank, i really don't have the mood to answer them. why are you guys being so interested in my life? I don't mean to be rude but please mind your own business. 

we are in the month of Ramadan rn which means I'll be going to family gathering and iftar. it's not that I hate meeting with people, but maaaaan they can be very annoying. i don't understand like why do they have certain expectation towards myself. am i portraying certain type of reputation or what?!

to be clear, lemme explain the question that keeps on haunting me. it goes something like this: 

"kaklong tak sambung masters ke lepas ni?"

"are you doing postgrad study after this?" 

tbh, I would love to answer your question but the problem is that I don't have a nice appropriate answer. I know my personal reason and justification for not furthering masters. but I doubt that they would like to hear about it. I've been thinking about it and trying to find a suitable way to present my stand.  the busy body people who keep on asking don't even know me personally pffffft . so why do I bother on entertaining their question? 

nonetheless, I will explain it in this blog for my own sake of satisfaction. haha

the thing about postgrad study is that it requires you to be fully committed physically mentally intellectually and spiritually. it is an insane and wild ride. during my undergraduate studies, I have a brief exposure on how does one conduct a research. and based on my previous experience, I have a pretty good picture of the whole process. it is not something that I would like to go through again in the near future. (who knows, I may change my mind but rn this is my decision)  I've experienced my highest high and lowest low back at that time. if it weren't for my amazing support system, (my parents, close family and friends, and supervisor) I won't be able to successfully complete it. 

those pesky people who ask the questions, they don't really know what happened behind the scene. all those intense sleepless nights, being constantly depressed and doubting my own capability. truth be told, there was the time when I almost lose my sanity. yup, that's the real deal. I have my usual breakdowns in random places crying like a mental person. it was tough. and I don't have what it takes to be good post-grad student/researcher. so why would I trouble myself? 

I truly admire and respect those who are currently pursuing their masters or Ph.D. it is such an honorable and holy thing to do. in fact, it is a form of jihad in the Islamic teaching. I would love to experience it but now is not the right time. personally, for me, the postgrad study is a transcendent process. it involved many aspects intertwined with each other. for a start, I need to be truly clear with my intention in doing the study or else my action will be bs. haha. I kinda learn it the hard way. 

I can't just dive into it, head first. the challenges are bigger, the stakes are higher. I can't simply 'buat ikut suka-suka' for the sake of exploring or whatever.  so yeah that's the reality. no, that is my reality. I've been spending lots of time thinking whether I should give it a shot. to try doing my masters. but then again, i keep on asking myself, why am i doing this again? what is my main purpose? what are my true intention? my current justification for the questions is not solid enough. I haven't find my true calling yet. 

who knows, maybe one day something inside me clicks and I might pursue my study. but as I've mentioned earlier, now is not the time. if this question pops again, I believe the best thing for me to do is smile and ignore it..? and shrug it off. haha

well isn't there a saying that states "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" well I'm going to stick to this. 

I don't intend on writing a long post but here we are. let's just end it right here then. 

Bye xx

You can't have everything in life

you can't have everything in life.

yup, that's the reality.

you can't have it all.

let that sink in.

in  life, we often envy those who seems like they have it all. we often wonder, what does it takes to have something like that? what did he/she did to deserve something like that? we often dwell on our own imperfection and lacking in any aspects. but let's just take a step back and reflect. let just remind ourselves that there is no such thing as perfection and justice in this world. in fact, the nature of this world is nothing like that

we live in a world filled with misleading expectation about many things. most of the times, what we observe can be deceiving. we might have mistakenly overlooked certain things. our limited knowledge and perspectives do have its pitfalls. 

it is easy for us to be envious when we see other people thrive. in our view, those around us are doing so much better than us. there are those who have instantly secure a job, those who have already found their partner, those who know what they are going to do with their life, those who have found their passion and etc. we start to wonder why we can't have what they have?? those around us seems like they have their life sorted out. they seem like they have it all. 

and then, there are those who still struggling. still searching for their passion. still being insecure about many many things. still seeking for my their virtues and values. in my case, i've been having my internal dilemma for quite a while. there's so many things that i cannot comprehend. after having some thoughts and reading, i've come to a conclusion that you can't have everything in life. your life in this world is not meant to be perfect. there are gaps and loopholes that need to be filled. there are plenty of things that need to be improved. 

each and everyone of us have our own struggles. some are publicly shared while some are not. none of us have everything that we want. there are things that we are deprived of. such state allows us to keep on improving ourselves while at the same time being grateful for what we have. we have to put in our best effort and strive. but along the process we may encounter challenges either physically, mentally or spiritually. nonetheless, just don't get discourage by it and let it consume you. 

not-so short life update!

well hello there!!

just wanna fill up with my short life update. 

1. i've finished my first degree! 

the last couple of months have been amazing. it was the final semester of my first degree. i'm only taking four subjects, so i got a lot of time to spent doing nothing and everything. there are times when it was so damn intense and there were times when i don't know what to do with my life. 

but guess what?! i've finally completed my first degree. indeed it has given me this sense of satisfaction. it was one of my biggest self achievement, but it was not everything lah. duhh of course, baru degree je. but this degree is really one of a kind. i still vividly remember the struggles of doing assignments, reports and writing thesis. dealing with different kind of people. it was an eye opening experience but with a very good exposure. and i already miss being a uni student. 

i can safely admit that, this whole degree thing does change, broaden your horizon. change your outlook on life and etc. it does sort of prepare you for the next phase a.k.a adulting phase. i may not be applying everything that i learned from uni but there are certain values that are important. 

i do feel extremely sad that this journey has come to an end. i've been blessed with an amazing group of friends. parting ways with them was never easy. i legit cried for days. in the car, in the bedroom and almost everywhere. i really do miss them. and i'm just not good at goodbye. not good. They have seen me at my best and at my worst. we've been through hell and high water together. do crazy random shit in the middle of the night. i will terribly miss those moments.

2. i'm still single and socially awkward to mingle. 

hahahah. dah habis degree but still takde harapan nak ada someone special. tbh, i think guys in UM are not that attractive. most of them was like entah apa apa. i'm not being desperate or what, but there times when i really wanna know what's it like being in a romantic relationship. i've never been in one. sejak dari bangku sekolah up until know. idk maybe i'm not gf material. 

well for a start i can be quite awks around new people and i'm not very friendly. i can't simply talk about random shit to people i've just met. yup. and maybe i'm selekeh pakai biasa biasa je pergi kelas. the  male friend that i constantly keep in touch were my boarding school friend. but that was more like best friend kind of thing. but in UM, i couldn't find those kind of friendship. too bad kan? 

i've had several crushes. tapi semua tak kesampaian. they either found someone else or i lost interest in them. hahah. one thing fosho, i never dared to confess my feelings towards any of them. cause being rejected kinda sucks so let's just pass. perhaps, when time is right, i'll eventually find The One. but the time is not now.

3. i'm officially unemployed

the prospect is very scary. idk where to start. lets just hope and pray that there are vacancies or a position for me at any firm somewhere in KL. the process of job seeking is insanely competitive and i'm not sure if i will ever secure a job. quit the crap zafirah, you need to stay positive and increase your effort!!

i've attended a career fair last weekend with my friends. some of us were pretty determined to find a job. tbh, i was amazed by their determination. like they were seriously seeking for a job. and then there's me who went there just to survey future employer and get the hang of it. it's not that i enjoyed being unemployed, it's just, i would like to take some time off from all the hectic-ness. spending a couple months at home is not that bad tho.

currently, i'm pretty much occupied with doing domestic work in my home. tell ya what, it's not easy and the list of tasks that you need to do is never ending. but nonetheless, i do enjoy doing it. you gotta multitask tho, from cleaning, cooking and do the laundry. tahu-tahu je hari dah petang.

i should prolly end my not-so short life update. see ya in the next post. byee

Zafirah xx

Life confession

new year does fly by 

we're in the third month of 2017 already

and i haven't had the chance to update anything in this space. 

*blows off dust*

last semester have been a wild ride.

my final year project research is still ongoing, 

challenging me to the core of my existence. truly. 

and i gotta admit that i'm struggling in trying to get a good grip on it 

been having my occasional breakdown more frequent

my despicable doubt is eating me alive 

but thank God for each and everyone who always been there when i need them the most 

constantly encouraging, supporting me when i am at my lowest low

and i am eternally grateful for that. 

only God knows how much it means to me

you guys are the reason as to why i keep on going 

indeed this is random post

but i bet it's good to write a thing or two about my recent state of life

haha. 

not-so-random ramblings

hey ya

uni life is draining me physically and emotionally lately. this semester is one hell of a roller coaster ride i tell ya. at one point, i think that i got what it takes to tackle and manage the situation. but then, new issues keep on challenging and surprising me. at first i do try to embrace the challenge wholeheartedly but right now i've come to the point where i feel extremely drained and exhausted. i have zero motivation to endure the next couple of weeks in this semester. oh myyy, zafirah... ada banyak lagi benda that need your attention. for a start, you need to prepare the proposal for your final year project and do the proposal-defence thing. itu belum kira the usual things like test and presentations. 

i'm not thinking about quitting ke apa, it's just that sometimes life can be overwhelming. okay tbh tu je yang iolls nak cakap

byee

Updates on new semester

hello there!

new semester starts today. yeay or nahh??

idk man. dari semalam lagi rasa takde mood nak hadap all the stuffs, lectures dan yang seangkatan dengannya. my schedule for this semester has been not so okay kut sebab kena daftar subjek yang hari exam dia back to back, and satu hari ada dua paper. i've been doing that since last semester and i effing hate it. takde masa nak rest jap before focussing on the next paper. itu dah satu hal. 

yang paling win, pencil case pun aku dah lupa letak kat mana. at first i thought that i left it at my college cause i can't seem to find it back home. bila cari semula, tak jumpa, kahkah. nampak sangat habis final haritu aku dah tak peduli dengan all things related to my studies. dia macam, since my finals is over, i'm fucking done with this crap. lols. pastu bila start sem baru semula mulahlah meraba-raba cari semula pencil case. 

another thing is about the forever delayed post about several trips that i made earlier. well am still working on it. entah bila lah boleh siap. asyik masuk draft je. ahahah. 

sooo that's it

adios

he's just not that into you

girl, you knew what you're getting yourself into.

i have warned you many many times before. it's not going to be easy. it was never easy. you've been in this situation a few while back. you do know the damage it brings you, why did you let yourself  be fooled with such gesture. when things didn't go according to what you hoped for, you were devastated. again. i can go on and tell myself that i'm okay, i'm not affected with it. but yeah, it's bullshit. a  part of me just died inside upon realizing the cold hard truth. 

moving on is hard, but come hell and high water i'm gonna get through this shit like i did before. i'm gonna get through this. i will try my best to distract myself from thinking about it. maaaan, it does take a hell of an effort. pray hard that you'll survive this zafirah because if not aku pun tak tahu nak buat macam mana. need i remind you that you barely even knew him girl! it was just a few days spent under a certain condition. that's it. nothing more or less. so get a grip on yourself, do not get deluded with any fantasies or what so ever because this is not a cinderella story. you cannot meet prince charming in a forest. ahahahahahhahhaha. 

another thing is, i do feel guilty for my sudden change of attitude towards some people. i never meant for it to happened but hey they've crossed the line. i have had enough. i'm not as plain and innocent as they think i am. so yeah. sorry not sorry  for shutting some of you out my life. 

not-a-random thought

don't you ever dare start 

no

just no

but if so

you'll be wasting your time

song of the week : WHO YOU ARE

hello there!!

nak bebel sikit ni

honestly saying, i'm struggling with my time management right now. ke laut semuanya. and i don't even know whether i have a 'me time' or not. entahlah wehh. i couldn't understand why certain people even join a project but susah nak commit. hello, kalau tak nak bagi commitment tak payah join weh. senang je sifir dia. nak kata busy, semua orang busy wehhh! semua orang ada assignment, tutorial, presentation etc etc. kau hengat aku kat college kerja berlingkar atas katil je ke?

haihhh. and one of the worst thing that happened to me was that, i've been having countless sleepless night since last week. this mind, my mind to be exact, tak habis habis pikir semua benda. overthink much.  kalau ada on off button senang sikit kut. ahh serabut serabut. fyi, i'm not ms-know-it-all so kadang kadang memang clueless bakhang. so jangan la tanya aku semua benda.

despite the fact that i'm mentally, physically exhausted and homesick as eff  assignment jangan acah acah lupa zaf.

lastly, who you are is the song of the week that i can simply relate  right now, mann, the feels when hearing this song  for the first time. bergenang mata

i stare at my reflection in the mirror;

"why am i doing this to my self?"

losing my mind on a tiny error

i nearly left the real me in the shelf

no, no, no, no...

don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars

seeing is deceiveing, dreaming is believing

it's okay not to be okay

sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

just be true to who you are

brushing my hair do i look perfect?

i forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!

the more i try the less it's working, yeah

cause everything inside me screams 

no,no,no,no...

don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars

seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

it's okay not to be okay

sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

there's nothing wrong with who you are

yes, no, egos, fake shows, like whoa!

just go and leave me alone!

real talk, real life, good love, goodnight, 

that's my home, no...

no,no,no,no...

don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars

seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

it's okay not to be okay

sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

just be true to who you are

the story of us

"this is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less"

sooooooo...