About THAT question

Hi there, 

lately, I've been asked the same question from different people. and to be frank, i really don't have the mood to answer them. why are you guys being so interested in my life? I don't mean to be rude but please mind your own business. 

we are in the month of Ramadan rn which means I'll be going to family gathering and iftar. it's not that I hate meeting with people, but maaaaan they can be very annoying. i don't understand like why do they have certain expectation towards myself. am i portraying certain type of reputation or what?!

to be clear, lemme explain the question that keeps on haunting me. it goes something like this: 

"kaklong tak sambung masters ke lepas ni?"

"are you doing postgrad study after this?" 

tbh, I would love to answer your question but the problem is that I don't have a nice appropriate answer. I know my personal reason and justification for not furthering masters. but I doubt that they would like to hear about it. I've been thinking about it and trying to find a suitable way to present my stand.  the busy body people who keep on asking don't even know me personally pffffft . so why do I bother on entertaining their question? 

nonetheless, I will explain it in this blog for my own sake of satisfaction. haha

the thing about postgrad study is that it requires you to be fully committed physically mentally intellectually and spiritually. it is an insane and wild ride. during my undergraduate studies, I have a brief exposure on how does one conduct a research. and based on my previous experience, I have a pretty good picture of the whole process. it is not something that I would like to go through again in the near future. (who knows, I may change my mind but rn this is my decision)  I've experienced my highest high and lowest low back at that time. if it weren't for my amazing support system, (my parents, close family and friends, and supervisor) I won't be able to successfully complete it. 

those pesky people who ask the questions, they don't really know what happened behind the scene. all those intense sleepless nights, being constantly depressed and doubting my own capability. truth be told, there was the time when I almost lose my sanity. yup, that's the real deal. I have my usual breakdowns in random places crying like a mental person. it was tough. and I don't have what it takes to be good post-grad student/researcher. so why would I trouble myself? 

I truly admire and respect those who are currently pursuing their masters or Ph.D. it is such an honorable and holy thing to do. in fact, it is a form of jihad in the Islamic teaching. I would love to experience it but now is not the right time. personally, for me, the postgrad study is a transcendent process. it involved many aspects intertwined with each other. for a start, I need to be truly clear with my intention in doing the study or else my action will be bs. haha. I kinda learn it the hard way. 

I can't just dive into it, head first. the challenges are bigger, the stakes are higher. I can't simply 'buat ikut suka-suka' for the sake of exploring or whatever.  so yeah that's the reality. no, that is my reality. I've been spending lots of time thinking whether I should give it a shot. to try doing my masters. but then again, i keep on asking myself, why am i doing this again? what is my main purpose? what are my true intention? my current justification for the questions is not solid enough. I haven't find my true calling yet. 

who knows, maybe one day something inside me clicks and I might pursue my study. but as I've mentioned earlier, now is not the time. if this question pops again, I believe the best thing for me to do is smile and ignore it..? and shrug it off. haha

well isn't there a saying that states "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" well I'm going to stick to this. 

I don't intend on writing a long post but here we are. let's just end it right here then. 

Bye xx

not-so short life update!

well hello there!!

just wanna fill up with my short life update. 

1. i've finished my first degree! 

the last couple of months have been amazing. it was the final semester of my first degree. i'm only taking four subjects, so i got a lot of time to spent doing nothing and everything. there are times when it was so damn intense and there were times when i don't know what to do with my life. 

but guess what?! i've finally completed my first degree. indeed it has given me this sense of satisfaction. it was one of my biggest self achievement, but it was not everything lah. duhh of course, baru degree je. but this degree is really one of a kind. i still vividly remember the struggles of doing assignments, reports and writing thesis. dealing with different kind of people. it was an eye opening experience but with a very good exposure. and i already miss being a uni student. 

i can safely admit that, this whole degree thing does change, broaden your horizon. change your outlook on life and etc. it does sort of prepare you for the next phase a.k.a adulting phase. i may not be applying everything that i learned from uni but there are certain values that are important. 

i do feel extremely sad that this journey has come to an end. i've been blessed with an amazing group of friends. parting ways with them was never easy. i legit cried for days. in the car, in the bedroom and almost everywhere. i really do miss them. and i'm just not good at goodbye. not good. They have seen me at my best and at my worst. we've been through hell and high water together. do crazy random shit in the middle of the night. i will terribly miss those moments.

2. i'm still single and socially awkward to mingle. 

hahahah. dah habis degree but still takde harapan nak ada someone special. tbh, i think guys in UM are not that attractive. most of them was like entah apa apa. i'm not being desperate or what, but there times when i really wanna know what's it like being in a romantic relationship. i've never been in one. sejak dari bangku sekolah up until know. idk maybe i'm not gf material. 

well for a start i can be quite awks around new people and i'm not very friendly. i can't simply talk about random shit to people i've just met. yup. and maybe i'm selekeh pakai biasa biasa je pergi kelas. the  male friend that i constantly keep in touch were my boarding school friend. but that was more like best friend kind of thing. but in UM, i couldn't find those kind of friendship. too bad kan? 

i've had several crushes. tapi semua tak kesampaian. they either found someone else or i lost interest in them. hahah. one thing fosho, i never dared to confess my feelings towards any of them. cause being rejected kinda sucks so let's just pass. perhaps, when time is right, i'll eventually find The One. but the time is not now.

3. i'm officially unemployed

the prospect is very scary. idk where to start. lets just hope and pray that there are vacancies or a position for me at any firm somewhere in KL. the process of job seeking is insanely competitive and i'm not sure if i will ever secure a job. quit the crap zafirah, you need to stay positive and increase your effort!!

i've attended a career fair last weekend with my friends. some of us were pretty determined to find a job. tbh, i was amazed by their determination. like they were seriously seeking for a job. and then there's me who went there just to survey future employer and get the hang of it. it's not that i enjoyed being unemployed, it's just, i would like to take some time off from all the hectic-ness. spending a couple months at home is not that bad tho.

currently, i'm pretty much occupied with doing domestic work in my home. tell ya what, it's not easy and the list of tasks that you need to do is never ending. but nonetheless, i do enjoy doing it. you gotta multitask tho, from cleaning, cooking and do the laundry. tahu-tahu je hari dah petang.

i should prolly end my not-so short life update. see ya in the next post. byee

Zafirah xx

Life confession

new year does fly by 

we're in the third month of 2017 already

and i haven't had the chance to update anything in this space. 

*blows off dust*

last semester have been a wild ride.

my final year project research is still ongoing, 

challenging me to the core of my existence. truly. 

and i gotta admit that i'm struggling in trying to get a good grip on it 

been having my occasional breakdown more frequent

my despicable doubt is eating me alive 

but thank God for each and everyone who always been there when i need them the most 

constantly encouraging, supporting me when i am at my lowest low

and i am eternally grateful for that. 

only God knows how much it means to me

you guys are the reason as to why i keep on going 

indeed this is random post

but i bet it's good to write a thing or two about my recent state of life

haha. 

not-so-random ramblings

hey ya

uni life is draining me physically and emotionally lately. this semester is one hell of a roller coaster ride i tell ya. at one point, i think that i got what it takes to tackle and manage the situation. but then, new issues keep on challenging and surprising me. at first i do try to embrace the challenge wholeheartedly but right now i've come to the point where i feel extremely drained and exhausted. i have zero motivation to endure the next couple of weeks in this semester. oh myyy, zafirah... ada banyak lagi benda that need your attention. for a start, you need to prepare the proposal for your final year project and do the proposal-defence thing. itu belum kira the usual things like test and presentations. 

i'm not thinking about quitting ke apa, it's just that sometimes life can be overwhelming. okay tbh tu je yang iolls nak cakap

byee

"embrace the challenge, do more and don't settle for less"

"embrace the challenge,

do more

and

don't settle for less"

hey guys this is my current life motto,

*this is cheesy but whatevaa

fyi, 

i'm in the early stage of writing the first ever paper for my final year project (FYP)

'wow weee'!! 

this fyp will be my 'life' for the next couple of months 

mandi fyp makan fyp, tido fyp 

jk

basically, i need to complete this project or else i won't be graduating anytime soon.

so yeah this is a huge deal to me

i have to  try and do it as professionally as i can

though i guaranteed that i got an academic researching and writing  skills of a carrot 

nevertheless, let just dive into it head first

and see what happens next...

yolo.

When realization hits you

heyya,

i'm currently in week 8 of my semester which means that i have tons of assignments to be submitted and quizzes. this semester, i've been too carried away by numerous distractions thus resulting me not giving a single damn about my uttermost priority as a student which is my studies. i bet this is because things have been going so well for me for the past three semester that it made me think that maybe, maybe i didn't need to put much effort into my studies. for example, last semester i simply skipped three weeks of lectures just to travel to Spain and still managed to get a deans list award. (i'm not bragging). part of me thinks that this is one of the challenges God has given to me. and this kind of challenge scares the crap out of me cause it makes you lagha. yep, each and every person have to deal with their own issues and challenges.

lately, i'm trying my best to get my head in the game, kembali ke jalan yang benar but this does requires a lot of effort. i don't think that i can make drastic changes but let's just do it one step at a time. tho at my current state, maybe i need to quadruple my steps cause ada berapa minggu je lagi nak prepare for everything. ahahah tahu pun nak gelabah zafirah..! apa-apa pun, always remember that each and every effort made either big or small does count. never underestimate that dear self.

that is all,

i better get back to my studies

priorities... priorities

STS Annual Dinner

last saturday, i had the pleasure of attending sts annual dinner aka Malam Akademik jabatan pengajian sains dan teknologi. it was held at petak event space and organized by STS club. without further ado let's take a look at it...

last but not least, kudos to the organizing committee for a making this dinner an enjoyable and memorable night! fyi, us the second year students did a performance that night but i dare not share you the video. it was hilariously awful. ahahah

Ridiculous last minute decision

i couldn't slept last night thinking about the foolish last minute decision that i made last night...

the story goes like this,

i've registered photography class in this semester for my co-curriculum, i always knew that i wanted to learn the techniques in taking photos. bought a camera for almost a year but never knew how to use and operate it accordingly. so this photog class enables me to explore my camera's capabilities. 

i don't know what has got into me last night, i purposely drop the class and registered for another class which i have zero interest in. and i regret it, like a gazillion times. #internalcrisis 

when i decided to change it back, the online registration has closed. *cries a river

after much thoughts and reconsideration, i decided to try my luck and change it back via manual process ( pergi office sket/skr and all that)

so that's about it. 

pray hard that i'm able to register the photog class peeps

*itu lah zafirah, elok-elok dah kau register, tetibe cari kerja baru pergi tukar semula

Updates on new semester

hello there!

new semester starts today. yeay or nahh??

idk man. dari semalam lagi rasa takde mood nak hadap all the stuffs, lectures dan yang seangkatan dengannya. my schedule for this semester has been not so okay kut sebab kena daftar subjek yang hari exam dia back to back, and satu hari ada dua paper. i've been doing that since last semester and i effing hate it. takde masa nak rest jap before focussing on the next paper. itu dah satu hal. 

yang paling win, pencil case pun aku dah lupa letak kat mana. at first i thought that i left it at my college cause i can't seem to find it back home. bila cari semula, tak jumpa, kahkah. nampak sangat habis final haritu aku dah tak peduli dengan all things related to my studies. dia macam, since my finals is over, i'm fucking done with this crap. lols. pastu bila start sem baru semula mulahlah meraba-raba cari semula pencil case. 

another thing is about the forever delayed post about several trips that i made earlier. well am still working on it. entah bila lah boleh siap. asyik masuk draft je. ahahah. 

sooo that's it

adios

STS Interaction Day 2015

hiiiiiii

salam maal hijrah to everyone who's celebrating!!

since today is a public holiday, my friends and i had the chance to conduct some some interaction day activities with the seniors, juniors and lecturers. 

it was a success,kudos to the team. jyeahhh!! so there's nothing much left to say, let's take a look on the pictures below

until then- zafirah xx

Back to School

1. we're in the month of September now, this means that semester break is over and i have to go back to school. 
2. i anticipate new challenges and adventures in the upcoming months though i don't think that i'm physically and mentally prepared. pfffft 
3. sure, there will be  lots of ups and downs, but whatever it is, bring it on semester 3!

Song of the week : someone new by Hozier

hello there!!

there's nothing much to update here, been feeling weary and crappy for the past few weeks. it's normal i guess, almaklomlah submission week, test and few other things melambai-lambai. and speaking about asssignment, gosh baru 0.9% buat. pray hard that i'll survived this semester cause  i feel like i'm soooooo done already.

  here it is, my song of the week someone new by hozier. maaaaan, hozier is such an amazing singer. his voice tho. and yeah I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new.

Don't take this the wrong way,

You knew who I was with every step that I ran to you,

Only blue or black days,

Electing strange perfections in any stranger I choose.

Would things be easier if there was a right way?

Honey, there is no right way.

And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

There's an art to life's distractions,

To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through,

Some like to imagine,

The dark caress of someone else, I guess any thrill will do

Would things be easier if there was a right way?

Honey, there is no right way.

And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I wake at the first cringe of morning,

And my heart's already sinned.

How pure, how sweet a love, Aretha, that you would pray for him.

'Cause God knows I fall in love just a little, oh, a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

*oh yeah, this song has nothing to do with my so called feeling ke apa cause i've been feelingless lately. ye lah kan, i'm a nobody. ada, takde, sama je

*konon nak sambung buat chapter review, tapi sakit kepala. so nak tidur terus. that's all. bye and have a good day!

rarandom

hey there we're in the month of march now. how time flies.




there's nothing much to update here but i'm still going to proceed. for a start i am currently in my second semester. varsity life has been okay. idk what has got into me but lately i'm not in the mood to do anything. need to find my muse asap or else i'll be doomed.




ohoiiii mambang produktif, ke mari lah kamuuuuu!!

Sabah 2015- Post Kinabalu

my walk to timpohon gate was quite hellish. both my legs were stiff as dua batang kayu. i don't have any cramps. thankfully. but ya tuhan the muscle strained was quite unbearable. to me lah. after almost two days of walking, nak pijak pun sakit time tu. lutut sakit. ahh semua sakit senang citer. memang nak bergolek sampai ke bawah ah bila ingat semula. heh. i walk alone in the drizzle for like 2km kut before meeting my other three team mates. pity to those who accompanied me  during the walk as i was rude, not in the mood to talk and all that. gahahah. sorry guys. it was late in the evening when we arrived at the gate.

we stayed the night in pusat latihan JAKIM cawangan kundasang if i was not mistaken. quite a lovely place though. that night, most of us jalan macam ketam. heh. to even get off the bus itself was a challenge. haa, lagi satu, i never thought that i would despise turun tangga so much like i did during that time. a small part of me died inside everytime i saw  tangga. the muscle ache doubled or should i said tripled when i woke up on the very next morning. i had to practically dragged my feet out of bed. sheeeesh. dia punya sakit kaki lepas turun gunung memang ya tuhan aku taktau nak cakap macam mana.

The time left were spent on jalan jalan around kundasang ranau and kota kinabalu itself. We went to tea plantation site, poring hot springs and few other places.

this was from pusat latihan jakim

we went to the famous desa cattle first thing in the morning. though it was my second time here i could never get tired of witnessing those vast green land and the majestic mountain behind. could hardly believe that we just got down from that mountain yesterday. took a few days for me to finally realize the fact that i effing climb the mountain.

the tea plantation in ranau. to me yang kat cameron lagi cantik kut

During my first trip to poring hot spring last october i haven't had the time to explore the small waterfall as most of my time was spent on canopy walking. This time i managed to go there with few of my friends. The waterfall was located slightly deep into the rainforest. But it was  a well paid journey. I was gutted that i hadn't bring any extra clothes. Sheessh. Tengok je lah the boys terjun sambil celup celup kaki.

spent our last day at KK before going back to semanjung later that night. we held a short bowling match at the local arena before buying all those souvenir stuffs.

sedap berurut kakak abang sekalian??

me and my partner azim during the match. we got lucky and win the second place!! lol terror jugak rupanya

that's all i guess

till then

Sabah 2015: The People. The Climb. The Mountain

home is behind

the world ahead

there are many paths to tread

through shadow

to the edge of night

until the stars are all alight

mist and shadow

cloud and shade

all shall fade

all shall

fade

this is indeed a very special post to me. i'll try my best to describe the details of our climb to the peak clearly. maaaan, i wish each and every one you guys can experience this chance of a lifetime

we started off at about 9.30 in the morning. it was a bit late due to some technical problems nonetheless the weather was incredible on that morning. and yeahhh, i was mentally and physically prepared for the journey. 

off we go

at 1km, all of us were still hyped up

at 1.5km still full of energy

meh, baru 2 km

time jalan ramai ramai dalam group takde la rasa macam pancit ke apa. sebab borak borak then sedar dah sampai km 2.5km. all us were like "eh, laju jugak kita jalan!" 

                    meet the fellowship of kinabalu : azri azrie anis amin and amir aka afgan

with both azrie and azri

still going strong ayy mate at 4km!!

semua excited jumpa air terjun along the way

heheh, the trail keeps getting higher and higher and yeah i was not an athletic person. kaki dah lemau so makin slow la berjalan. lol. i kept on bumping into stairs. many stairs. i was practically crawling up the stairs like a gollum sebab makin pancit. memang merangkak ah sebab dah agak penat time ni. and the boys jalan dulu lah. yeah, i would rather follow my own pace. so i crawled up the stairs slowly till i met the junction

spot amin in this picture

i've reached the junction!!! finally!! another 2km and then laban rata. muka excited jumpa signboard!

there it is. 4.5km yaww!

i continued walking alone, having deep thoughts along the journey to laban rata. and yes the exhaustion kept haunting me. tu la time orang suruh training for fitness kau jadi chipsmore, masa ni la baru nak menyesal. heh. nevertheless, i kept on walking till i reached 5km

heheh. soooooooooo laban rata is still not that far aite??  on my last 1km my judgement was clouded, i was drowsy most of the time. boleh pulak main stop stop pastu amik port nak lelap jap. lol. at about 5.30 ish i arrived at laban rata.

finally, sampai pun ke first stop. i was sleepy as f at this time. btw, credits to ustaz mizra for taking this picture.

we departed at 2 am ish for low's peak. it was freezing at that time. and yeah, since the altitude keeps getting higher, the oxygen concentration decreases. i had to take  big gulp of air for every few small steps. up up and away we go. the trail was more steeper and there were times when we have to use the white rope as guide. i was gutted that i hadn't took much pictures during the early morning climb. the view are to die for. you could see how freaking far up you've been at that time.

fatigueness was catching up on me after three hours of constant walking. makin lama makin kecik aku langkah. there were times when i was barely able to walk. so berhenti jap, golek golek atas batu, counting stars. at about 5.30 am i checked in at sayat sayat. it was quite late though. tapi nak buat macam mana my pace was slow as siput. time ni boleh nampak dah lights from a few person yang set set awal dah sampai kat low's peak. i was like, maaaan, will i ever reach the freaking low's peak before sunrise. dah lah pastu kena tinggal dengan porter. so jalan la sorang sorang. dengan sejuk yang sampai ke tulangnya, bukan takat hidung berair mata aku pun dah bergenang sebab rasa macam jauh gila lagi. i fucking cried alone in the dark! typical act of zafirah jamal la ni. dramatic. lol. time tu pikir, fine, aku duduk diam diam ah kat batu ni tunggu dorang turun.

but then the realization hit me hard. i've practically spent almost 2k for this trip. wtf zaf! berapa langkah "je" lagi. so i wiped my tears and hingus and continued walking up to low's peak. otw up i bumped into few of my teamates yang dah start turun semula ke laban rata. nevermind then, i gotta finished what i started ye dok?? the following incident was the highlight of my walk to low's peak. cerita dia begini sebenarnya, the coldness made both my hand fugging numb. memang time ni gigi pun dah vibrate cam apa je. sejuk bakhang i tell ya. aku, masih gigih nak panjat ke low's peak tarik la tali putih tu konon nak buat support la sebab batu tu a bit high and steep. sekali amik kau, my fugging kasut getah tercabut sebelah and i almost lost my grip. ohh great, tangan kebas and kaki tergantung kat batu! i was like, this is it. i won't ever reach low's peak.  so since this is definitely not a fairy tale, if you lost your shoes there will be no the king above the clouds to get it back to you. so i slowly descend to the celah batu batu untuk amik semula kasut and at that time i was seriously thinking of quitting. so dalam 5 minit jugak kut duduk bertapa celah batu mengenangkan nasib. #dramaqueen. azri and nisa yang nampak incident ni dari bawah dah pikir macam macam. lol.

but this girl is ain't no quitter, i get my arse up and continued my climb. many thanks to people i met along the last 30 steps to low's peak for the support.  alhamdulillah though it was quite late i managed to reach low's peak at 7 i guessed. the sun was shining gloriously  above the clouds. tskk tskk. terharu doh time sedar yang i finally reach the peak. this daughter of cikgu wan and teacher norafidah had conquered the great mount kinabalu. ecececehh

ridiculously waiting for help from eagles of middle earth to bring me down to laban rata. gahhh

the mountain

with ramzee yang setia teman time turun dari low's peak sampai laban rata. heheh. goyang lutut bila tengok bawah. 

sooooo. i hope this post will somehow inspire you guys out there to get your arse up and embark on a journey and keep on pushing your limits. this is by far the most challenging event i've joined so far. honestly saying, i did doubt my ability at first. but yeah, belum cuba belum tahu kan? and if any of you would like to know more about my adventure just leave a comment. i'll try my best to answer them.

till then.

*thanks to jv and azrie for the pics