Vicious cycle

back in this vicious cycle

again! 

I'm still internally struggling to face this problem. it had happened once, I got out of it only to have it go back to square one. at one point, I regretted my decision but it has been made clear that I have little interest in pursuing my previous research. at first, I taught it will be like a safe place for me to spend about two years doing that. Then, another option came out, I wanted to pursue it so badly only to have it destroyed again by this pandemic. Things are really tough rn. everyone is struggling one way or another. in fact, the whole world! 2020 has to be one of the most disappointing years. periodt. things have been blurry since february, starting from the MCO. sedar2 dah masuk november 

I'm trying my best to remain optimistic, but when you're constantly being rejected, it can be discouraging. to make it worse, I've been spending way too much time at home, having very little contact with friends. heck, sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to cause they might not understand my dilemma. deep down, I knew that I've been distracting myself with other things but I have to deal with this sooner or later. entahlah. my future seems bleak. idk how to plan it anymore because things might go the opposite way. there will surely be more detours and roadblocks along the way. 

The Choice

hallo, 

back in March, I intended to pursue my master's degree and contacted my previous supervisor to proceed with the plan. it got green-lighted and for the past six months, I've been doing all sorts of preps required to enroll in the program. up until the very last week, my mind was still set on pursuing the candidature. tho there were times when I highly doubted and question my decision. cause ya know, the road tends to be bumpy and challenging at times, and I still struggle with academic writing. so there's that. 

last week, I attended an interview held by my previous company where I did my safety trainee-ship. and to be honest, the prospect of working back there seems quite tempting. of course, I'll be assigned to a new division with different kinds of tasks, but the prospect of working there again excites me. the thing is, the interview result has not come out yet and I've another interview with the CEO scheduled in about two weeks' time. 

In the meantime, I need to sort out my online registration for my postgrad studies. I'm in a dilemma. I  don't know if I should proceed with my postgrad studies or withdraw from it. I've yet to discuss it with my supervisor. gosh, it will surely cause some inconvenience. cause I would also need to resign as an RA. it will surely be tricky for me to juggle both. 

currently, my heart is divided between pursuing my masters or my career. and deep down, my gut already tells me what I really wanted to choose. the thing is, I just need the result from the interview to make it official. still, there's no guarantee that I'll be offered the position. tho in my mind, I think I have already given my best shot. 

I need to sort this out asap cause there's a dateline that I need to catch

common Zaf choose wisely...

Spain Part 2: Paella hunting in Valencia

Well, it's been 5 years since I visited Spain. I recently discovered this old draft and decided to publish it now. Enjoy this short article! 

Day 1

we woke up super early on the next day, had our breakfast, and drove off to the next city which is Valencia. the journey took about 3 and a half hours.

our whole journey was accompanied by a gorgeous blue sky and sunshine. we could easily see the magnificent mountain from afar.

we purposely made a few stops on our way to valencia just to snap pictures. how scenic is the picture above?? majestic mountains and fluffy clouds...

at noon we arrived and then had lunch at a vegan restaurant and check-in our hotel. that night. we went for a paella hunting mission. FYI, paella is a rice dish cooked with veggies/seafood/meat, saffron, rosemary, and olive oil and other spices. there are several types of paella which consist of Valencian paella (paella valenciana), vegetarian/vegan paella (paella de verduras), seafood paella (paella de marisco), and mixed paella (paella mixta), but there are many more.(pffft... macam rancangan makanan kat afc dah jadi) we ate paella de marisco that night. rasa dia?? boleh lah ahahahaha. it's rice cooked with spices and seafood ala nasi goreng seafood kat kedai cuma basah sikit. i didn't hate the taste, but i didn't like it either. setakat nak try rasa okay lah. #tekakmelayu

Day 2

on the next day, we went sightseeing around some of the famous spot the town which includes

1)Central Market (Mercado Central)

Rant

 is this a sign from the universe that I shouldn't proceed with my plan...

one setback leads to another and this is just the beginning. 

I haven't officially started yet but I already feel like crap. like, am I that unreliable?! am I that bad?! am I that dependant?! 

the first stage of regret is already seeping in. and this time, I couldn't brush it off just like that. there are too many hindrances and distractions working or doing research from home.  At first, I thought I could adapt and get used to it, sadly, no matter how hard I tried, there's still something wrong somewhere. 

there are things that I somehow overlooked. perhaps I lack the common sense or soft skills needed to be a decent researcher. perhaps I was being delusional back then, thinking that maybe I could become one. perhaps I was being unrealistic thinking that I possibly published a research paper in some high indexed journal. 

initially, I do anticipate things will get harder and more challenging as time passes. but I never thought that the setback would come from such a trivial matter. which I obviously overlooked. It's not that I purposely do it, it's just that, like I said just now, maybe it's because I lack the qualities needed to function as a so-called researcher. dude, what happened earlier today really puts me off. I feel like an idiot. and the worst thing about it was that I was scolded and given a harsh warning in a freaking group chat. thankfully, I didn't know any of them, but still, it was degrading. 

I try not to take it personally, but sometimes my judgment and emotions tend to become messy. lol, I'm a fallible human after all. then, comes all the waterworks which still haven't dissipated. It's just embarrassing and insulting. it's like no matter how hard I try to improve myself, the lack of common sense or qualities is not there. I honestly don't know what is wrong with myself. I couldn't help but missed my last working experience, at least the people there are nice and expect you to not know everything at hand. if COVID didn't happen, I would probably still be working there. 

the thing with working from home, being around your family 24/7 is that I couldn't go on a destructive mode when I feel like doing so. there's a mask I wear and I don't always be 100% transparent when telling them about my struggles. dude, I honestly feel like crap right now. 

till then. 

Self Question

I'm questioning the decision that I made back in march. is it really what I want? it is worth it? do I have what it takes to go down this path once again? I've experienced it before. it was traumatic to say the least. but somehow after two years, I decided to pursue on it again. tak serik ke zaf?! Dude I don't know, I barely even start, in fact, I haven't officially registered as a student. but the demanding requirement does freaks me out. 

doing masters by research is like on another level. i initially thought that it was not going to be THIS challenging. for a start, writing and developing a proposal itself is so damn challenging. I struggle in arranging my intellectual thoughts properly and clearly. there are new added elements that I'm not familiar with. there are things that i haven't done before, never heard of them till my supervisor mentioned about it. 

maannn, will I survived this... 

I'm scared... 

will i be be able to keep my sanity in tact by the time I completed this research. (if i managed to complete it) 

no one knows zaf

i mean I don't think I've made the wrong choice. but maaaan, i've been questioning myself like a lot 

lagi after my ex boss called last two weeks. There's a position available in the safety department but the thing is i already give my commitment to other things. and I have to keep my word. 

i hope i wont regret this decision.

i hope by the time i finish this research it will all be worth it. the experience would eventually help me become a wiser person. 

Bye, I should start revising my proposal

priorities 

priorities 

Thoughts on Dinner Mate Ending

this is why I hate watching kdrama 

I just recently finished watching Dinner Mate. maan, now I'm having major withdrawal syndrome. like i've mentioned before, dinnermate is not the greatest love story, but I love it VERY much! 

it's a light and fluffy romcom. the kind that makes your heart flutters. it gave me that fleeting feelings of being love. tho my love life is practically non existent. i missed seeing Kim Hae Kyeong and Woo Do Hee on screen. sometimes I wished both of them could date irl cause they look so good together. the ending was okay, kinda disappointing to be honest. They didn't even give us a proper kiss in the last episode. like why do you do that pd nim...

the first half of the drama was totally enjoyable, but it kinda went downhill after both of them introduced and know each others details. the conflict from exes was annoying, and the storyline that follows were not interesting enough. the drama could have explored more on the dynamic between KHY and WDH. their love was mature, there's no childish lovers argument, they trust each other well enough and doesn't get easily jealous. when there's a problem etc they talk about it with each other and pujuk if ada yang merajuk. 

goshh, I crave for that kind of relationship. being single for 25 years is not easy... *insert sad emoji. there are times when I wish there's someone out there who would treat me like that. tho deep down i knew someone like KHY is too good to be true. for a start zaf, he's a freaking fictional character, of course he's written to be a loyal, understanding and doting boyfriend. real guys out there are not like that zaf. you'll eventually be disappointed if you have that kind of expectation

omoooo, this is why I hate watching kdrama. now i'm feeling completely senduuu

Kdrama of the week: Dinner Mate!