Monthly rant

why did I sign up for this again?!

Too much of a good thing could be bad

Since MCO is not over yet, we're still staying home during Ramadan. it was really nice. but the thing is, I'm beyond piss off seeing my brothers lack of self-discipline. I understand that they're young and all but it could not justify the way they have been acting lately. naik menyampah aku tengok!! 

it's not like I hate being around my family, I'm very lucky and grateful to be around them. apa ke jadahnya kalau every single day, kau bangun waktu azan zohor?!!!! lepas tu buat minimum amount of work?!!! like wth. I try not be berkira and all, tapi wehh sakit mata lahh tengok perangai sorang-sorang macam ni. Idk where else to rant my dissatisfaction with their attitude. nak kata take cakap, I, my parents  have been consistently telling them the same thing. bangun waktu zohor and then guess what lepas zohor tidur semula. Bro, wth???!!!

kau take pening kepala ke from all the excessive sleep?? nak kata bust qiamullail take pun!!! haishhhh serious memang geram tengok 

Round two lesgo!

Hi hello 

Assalamualaikum

As per the last entry, I've decided to share this other news.

guess what?! I've decided to pursue studying again. to be honest, I am actually surprised by my own decision. it was INSTANT! I've made up my mind in less than a day. 

well, lately I have the lingering feeling of wanting to get back into studying. I've been surveying for the right universities but still hesitated in applying. then, I guess the stars aligned, I finally saw an opportunity for me to further my master's studies. 

Pursuing masters has always been my personal goal. it's just that I don't know when or where it will take place. but the mystery has been revealed. haha. I decided to pursue my studies at the same university, working under the supervision of the same lecturer. again. yep. I did that. 

so we shall see how things will unfold in the next months

I sincerely hope I could learn from my past mistakes, still keep my sanity and judgment intact.

lets hope and pray for the best! 

Quarantine Diaries Part 2

hey there, 

we're in the second phase of MCO and  I completely lost track of how many days have passed. 

truth be told, I'm starting to not feel like my usual self. it's like I'm physically here but not mentally or spiritually here. Being away from my family does make things worse. I never thought I would miss them this much. gosh, there are nights when I cry myself to sleep cause I miss them so so much but there's nothing much  I can do since our movement is restricted during MCO. I just wanna go back to my hometown. 

Living with my uncle's family can be quite exhausting sometimes. there's nothing wrong with them. it's me. IDK about you guys out there, but being an introvert, I tend to be reserved when being around people that I'm not comfortable with. They have been treating me well, I had enough meal and shelter and all the basic needs one needs to survive MCO. But I couldn't help but feel like an outsider. Cause I'm basically menumpang. I just missed being around my family. it takes a lot for me to drag myself out of bed every single time. I need to maintain a version of myself when being around them. yup. it's not like I'm pretending or what, it's just that there's multiple version of myself when being around every type of people.

I don't know how long I could keep up with this. The possibility of MCO being extended is high. I would probably spend my Ramadan and Raya away from my family. Maan, that sucks so bad realizing that your hometown is only three hours' drive. But it is legally forbidden for you to move around from one place to the other. Koyak. Yup. I'm really struggling here. 

I've been face-timing my family like A LOT during MCO but tell ya what, nothing beats face to face communication. I just missed being around them. having my mom dish, bickering with my brothers not to forget the usual convo with my dad. who would've thought that in 2020 our so-called 'freedom" would be taken away from us? 

Quarantine Diaries

hi hello

we meet again

as we all know, the whole world is currently plagued with COVID-19 pandemic. truth be told, things have not been going okay lately. for the past three weeks, all of us are required to stay at home, practice good hygiene and social distancing. who would've thought 2020 would turn out to be like this. we couldn't even drive or socialize freely, joining mass gathering is legally forbidden right now. 

we're facing tough times and this situation would eventually give a negative impact on the overall safety, health, and economic prosperity. there's a looming economic recession coming right up after we sort ourselves out from the pandemic. my heart goes out to those working in the private sector no matter what industry they're in. 

I probably never mention this before, but I'm undergoing a six months internship at Pos Aviation KLIA, which is in the aviation industry. it has always been a dream of mine to be working at the airport. there's something fascinating seeing the aircraft taking and departure and seeing people come and go at the airport. I was finally able to become part of aviation which is so cool. to be specific, the company specialized in ground handling services. I get to see and learn about what happened behind the scene. 

I was really hoping to build a career in the aviation industry, in safety health and environment to be exact, but the timing was not right. the COVID-19 pandemic has affected the industry and company devastatingly. I was quite bummed at first but hey this kind of thing is out of my control. I was in the middle of going through the application process of being

permanent staff. but hey it's totally okay. you're rezeki is out there somewhere

there's other news that I would like to share soon. 

so stay tuned on the upcoming posts 

Goodnight, stay safe and stay at home :)

BYEE

the day has finally come. 

I guess everything is all said and done. I can happily move on with my life and forget about what has happened before. I was hoping for a better closure but have to settle for less. haha. I mean it was kinda awkward after not seeing him for months. I wish I had been more friendly but that is not me. and his reaction was kinda cold. everything is fine now. I finally had my closure and I'm happy to say that it is over way before it begins. that particular period of time was truly one a kind experience  and I appreciate it a lot. enough zaf, let's just close the chapter okay?!

Bye

Lost

"Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's falling from grace

She's all over the place, yeah"

These two verses from Avril Lavigne's song resonates with me lately. My life has been stagnant for months now, yet I still fail to improve the situation. The so-called gap year that I've decided to take is not bringing me much benefit. Initially, I believe this gap will allow me to sort myself out but what truly happened is the opposite of that. being stuck in the same cycle over and over again without being able to find a way out. The cycle of self-doubt and anxiety keeps on haunting me from time to time. and the worst part of it all, I'd have no one to share it with. no one to reach out. I don't feel like my problem is worth sharing. There were nights when I have my occasional anxiety attacks, cried myself to sleep and feeling so damn worthless. why did this situation happen?! what is wrong with me?! I never felt this lost before. I don't know how to stay calm and collected anymore cause I'm miserable internally. broken inside. 

I feel guilty towards my parents as they have such huge expectation from their eldest daughter. but I would not be able to fulfill it. I try not to compare myself with other people but at times it just happens without realizing it. my graduation ceremony is the day after my 23rd birthday yet I feel like there's nothing to be celebrated. Finishing my bachelor degree meant nothing much to me tho I have given my all in trying to do so. the thing is that when it officially ended I felt hollow and empty inside. I felt like it was worthless (in a way). Gosh, I sound like a very ungrateful person. I dreaded the day when I eventually meet my previous coursemates and lecturers. how am I suppose to face them? not to mention the usual small talks and catching up. Is there any way where I can avoid it? I don't wanna be like kacang lupakan kulit, but I'm just not in my best self. 

The only thing that is keeping me sane in the last few months is this space. this blog. where I can write and pour myself out. I have been distant with my friend cause I could help it but feel inferior to them. I've never felt this alone. it's like it's me myself and I against the world.