Quarantine Diaries

hi hello

we meet again

as we all know, the whole world is currently plagued with COVID-19 pandemic. truth be told, things have not been going okay lately. for the past three weeks, all of us are required to stay at home, practice good hygiene and social distancing. who would've thought 2020 would turn out to be like this. we couldn't even drive or socialize freely, joining mass gathering is legally forbidden right now. 

we're facing tough times and this situation would eventually give a negative impact on the overall safety, health, and economic prosperity. there's a looming economic recession coming right up after we sort ourselves out from the pandemic. my heart goes out to those working in the private sector no matter what industry they're in. 

I probably never mention this before, but I'm undergoing a six months internship at Pos Aviation KLIA, which is in the aviation industry. it has always been a dream of mine to be working at the airport. there's something fascinating seeing the aircraft taking and departure and seeing people come and go at the airport. I was finally able to become part of aviation which is so cool. to be specific, the company specialized in ground handling services. I get to see and learn about what happened behind the scene. 

I was really hoping to build a career in the aviation industry, in safety health and environment to be exact, but the timing was not right. the COVID-19 pandemic has affected the industry and company devastatingly. I was quite bummed at first but hey this kind of thing is out of my control. I was in the middle of going through the application process of being

permanent staff. but hey it's totally okay. you're rezeki is out there somewhere

there's other news that I would like to share soon. 

so stay tuned on the upcoming posts 

Goodnight, stay safe and stay at home :)

BYEE

the day has finally come. 

I guess everything is all said and done. I can happily move on with my life and forget about what has happened before. I was hoping for a better closure but have to settle for less. haha. I mean it was kinda awkward after not seeing him for months. I wish I had been more friendly but that is not me. and his reaction was kinda cold. everything is fine now. I finally had my closure and I'm happy to say that it is over way before it begins. that particular period of time was truly one a kind experience  and I appreciate it a lot. enough zaf, let's just close the chapter okay?!

Bye

Lost

"Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's falling from grace

She's all over the place, yeah"

These two verses from Avril Lavigne's song resonates with me lately. My life has been stagnant for months now, yet I still fail to improve the situation. The so-called gap year that I've decided to take is not bringing me much benefit. Initially, I believe this gap will allow me to sort myself out but what truly happened is the opposite of that. being stuck in the same cycle over and over again without being able to find a way out. The cycle of self-doubt and anxiety keeps on haunting me from time to time. and the worst part of it all, I'd have no one to share it with. no one to reach out. I don't feel like my problem is worth sharing. There were nights when I have my occasional anxiety attacks, cried myself to sleep and feeling so damn worthless. why did this situation happen?! what is wrong with me?! I never felt this lost before. I don't know how to stay calm and collected anymore cause I'm miserable internally. broken inside. 

I feel guilty towards my parents as they have such huge expectation from their eldest daughter. but I would not be able to fulfill it. I try not to compare myself with other people but at times it just happens without realizing it. my graduation ceremony is the day after my 23rd birthday yet I feel like there's nothing to be celebrated. Finishing my bachelor degree meant nothing much to me tho I have given my all in trying to do so. the thing is that when it officially ended I felt hollow and empty inside. I felt like it was worthless (in a way). Gosh, I sound like a very ungrateful person. I dreaded the day when I eventually meet my previous coursemates and lecturers. how am I suppose to face them? not to mention the usual small talks and catching up. Is there any way where I can avoid it? I don't wanna be like kacang lupakan kulit, but I'm just not in my best self. 

The only thing that is keeping me sane in the last few months is this space. this blog. where I can write and pour myself out. I have been distant with my friend cause I could help it but feel inferior to them. I've never felt this alone. it's like it's me myself and I against the world. 

Being stuck suck!

oh lord, help me

9 months have passed yet here I am, being stuck in the same place doing the very same thing since January. it was indeed an uneventful year for me. instead of entering into the very next life stage (a.k.a adulting), I've decided to take a gap, slow down and reflect on some things. the thing is that I lost my momentum in trying to search for a job. I overindulged in my so-called long break, spending time at home doing house chores and another bare minimum stuff. initially, I didn't plan on staying unemployed for this long. but I get too carried away and feeling so comfortable living with my parents.  

what were you thinking?? 

how long do you intend on staying like this?

what is wrong with you? 

why are you being stuck in life??

for heaven's sake, girl, you're 23! stop being so irresponsible. you cannot stay in your cocoon forever. I understand that you have your doubts in life, you have your uncertainties, but things cannot go on like this. why are you being hesitant when it comes to applying for your job! goodness, you need to do it for yourself. no ones gonna do it for you. In life, things do not come in the silver platter. if you didn't put your effort, you won't be getting any offer! 

you have taken too much time figuring out your plan. yet still, fail to come with one solid enough. heck, idk where will I be, what will I do in the next five years?! 

and the worst part is when people keep on bombarding you with the same question every time you meet. 

I hate being stuck in this period but it's disappointing cause I did nothing to fix it. 

Thoughts on graduating

Hey there

Sorry for the long absence. I got caught up with eid preparation and celebration for the past few weeks. I just wanted to share about my recent taught on graduating and whats to come after that. As I've mentioned earlier in this blog, I completed my bachelor's degree last January. With much disgrace, I am still unemployed and living with my parents. this week has been tough, I cried myself to sleep for several nights already. in fact, my eyes are quite teary while I was writing this post. 

UM has officially released the details for the upcoming graduation ceremony which will be held in October. You know what, I should feel excited and honored that I got the chance to study and graduate at one of Malaysia most prestigious university. but apparently, I'm not.  Yup. I'm not looking forward to meeting all the familiar people I know in UM. This includes my coursemates, friends and former lecturers. For a start, there's nothing to be proud of when I still haven't secured a job and kickstart my career. I have to admit that I feel like a walking failure right now. Most of my friends have settled into working life and gaining all sorts of professional experience. I feel inferior to others though I have warned myself not to be bothered by other people.

Battling with my inner demons is always challenging. Sometimes I can ignore and shake it off but not this time. It has successfully consumed me altogether with my confidence and capabilities. I overthink too much and started doubting on myself, it comes to a point where I don't feel worthy of the job I wanted to apply. I often questioned my own ability and whether I can carry out the task given. The current job market can be likened to the survival of the fittest. It is a very competitive situation out there and I don't know if I am fit enough to survive, or I'll be 'dead'.

I do realize that I should give it a try and start applying for a job more seriously. cause they say, you never know if you didn't try. the whole taught of it overwhelms me and make me anxious. but I can't stay forever in my comfort zone. so what can be done hmm? Maybe I have to put in more faith in myself and force my ass off to work. and also not to be picky in choosing the job. cause girl, you gotta earn money and provide for yourself. If this doesn't motivate me, I don't know what else can.

While everyone is excited about making plans for the graduation ceremony, here I am feeling like there's nothing much to be celebrated. I graduated with a first class degree but still very much feel unaccomplished. I couldn't help thinking that I may have let my parents down tho they never say it out loud :'(. There's too much hope and expectation being a firstborn and I couldn't keep up with all that. I need to resolve this mess and move forward with my life. Just ignore about other people judgement and opinion on yourself. Bear in mind that each of us has our own timeline destined by God. Just put in out maximum effort and insyaAllah things will finally work out sooner or later. at the end of the day, we are given what we need not what we want 

About THAT question

Hi there, 

lately, I've been asked the same question from different people. and to be frank, i really don't have the mood to answer them. why are you guys being so interested in my life? I don't mean to be rude but please mind your own business. 

we are in the month of Ramadan rn which means I'll be going to family gathering and iftar. it's not that I hate meeting with people, but maaaaan they can be very annoying. i don't understand like why do they have certain expectation towards myself. am i portraying certain type of reputation or what?!

to be clear, lemme explain the question that keeps on haunting me. it goes something like this: 

"kaklong tak sambung masters ke lepas ni?"

"are you doing postgrad study after this?" 

tbh, I would love to answer your question but the problem is that I don't have a nice appropriate answer. I know my personal reason and justification for not furthering masters. but I doubt that they would like to hear about it. I've been thinking about it and trying to find a suitable way to present my stand.  the busy body people who keep on asking don't even know me personally pffffft . so why do I bother on entertaining their question? 

nonetheless, I will explain it in this blog for my own sake of satisfaction. haha

the thing about postgrad study is that it requires you to be fully committed physically mentally intellectually and spiritually. it is an insane and wild ride. during my undergraduate studies, I have a brief exposure on how does one conduct a research. and based on my previous experience, I have a pretty good picture of the whole process. it is not something that I would like to go through again in the near future. (who knows, I may change my mind but rn this is my decision)  I've experienced my highest high and lowest low back at that time. if it weren't for my amazing support system, (my parents, close family and friends, and supervisor) I won't be able to successfully complete it. 

those pesky people who ask the questions, they don't really know what happened behind the scene. all those intense sleepless nights, being constantly depressed and doubting my own capability. truth be told, there was the time when I almost lose my sanity. yup, that's the real deal. I have my usual breakdowns in random places crying like a mental person. it was tough. and I don't have what it takes to be good post-grad student/researcher. so why would I trouble myself? 

I truly admire and respect those who are currently pursuing their masters or Ph.D. it is such an honorable and holy thing to do. in fact, it is a form of jihad in the Islamic teaching. I would love to experience it but now is not the right time. personally, for me, the postgrad study is a transcendent process. it involved many aspects intertwined with each other. for a start, I need to be truly clear with my intention in doing the study or else my action will be bs. haha. I kinda learn it the hard way. 

I can't just dive into it, head first. the challenges are bigger, the stakes are higher. I can't simply 'buat ikut suka-suka' for the sake of exploring or whatever.  so yeah that's the reality. no, that is my reality. I've been spending lots of time thinking whether I should give it a shot. to try doing my masters. but then again, i keep on asking myself, why am i doing this again? what is my main purpose? what are my true intention? my current justification for the questions is not solid enough. I haven't find my true calling yet. 

who knows, maybe one day something inside me clicks and I might pursue my study. but as I've mentioned earlier, now is not the time. if this question pops again, I believe the best thing for me to do is smile and ignore it..? and shrug it off. haha

well isn't there a saying that states "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" well I'm going to stick to this. 

I don't intend on writing a long post but here we are. let's just end it right here then. 

Bye xx

Ramadan update

Alhamdulillah, 

we have reach the holy and blessed month of Ramadan. 

it is a huge blessing for us to be able to experience it again this year. not everyone can make it through, there were lots of news of people passing before ramadan. we never knew when will it be our last chance...

ramadan arrives at a time when i needed it the most. idk about you guys out there, but for me it brings a sense of peacefulness and relief from life challenges.  it puts me in a very very good state (physically, mentally and spiritually). it makes you forget about all the worries in real life. 

i hope I can truly make use of this month and prioritize on what is important. I truly want to improve myself internally, make a strong relationship and dependency towards the Creator. sometimes, i just couldn't help it but feel a bit lost and distorted with myself. being in a hopeless state and losing faith.  

i believe it is best for me to minimize the distractions (twitter and instagram etc) and really focus on me. i've been wanting to go offline and see how it goes. so this is the best time to do this . I do need to take a break from social media cause man that thing consumes me. when you go online you see false portrayal of life which can be misleading. and also makes you feel bad and jealous and sometime ungrateful with what you've had. 

so let's get rid of unnecessary distractions and strive towards a better version of you :)

that is all for my ramadan update. 

may this ramadan brings you peace and blessings inshaAllah.